Sunday, July 13, 2014

That Sure Makes Life Grand

Earlier this week the Rhinestone Cowboy spoon-fed me a piece of humble pie while standing in the lobby of a bigwig hotel.

"I like reading your blog, it's just...I think you could be more positive is all."

If you’ll excuse me sir, I will now tuck my tail in between my pissed off legs and kindly exit the premise.

For full effect, download “My Favorite Things” from the musical, The Sound of Music and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

I will admit this is not the first time I have heard these words in my career as a not even close to professional writer. Eleven years ago while working as a young, naive, inconsistent punk editor for my college newspaper my Grandpa offered the same constructive criticism in regards to my weekly opinion column, a column that more than likely had a whopping 15 avid readers, slightly more than this blog.

Grandpa: "See, I enjoy reading your articles every week, but do you have to be so negative and sarcastic? I think you could do a little bit better.”

It caught me off guard to be tossed the same tokens of wisdom about my writing over a decade apart from one another. Have I not developed my verbiage skills at all over the last ten years? Am I still the same 18-year old punk-nosed, arrogant-snorting Homestar Runner writing columns for the Dixie Sun? I know my young affinity for the comedy of David Spade and terminally depressing events in my life have perhaps hardened my pessimistic shell, but am I still a cynical ass who thrives off negativity?

I’m not sure what the correct answer is to that rhetorical question, but either way I decided to take a step back from my on-schedule rants, exploit the words of wisdom given to me by my Grandfather and the Rhinestone Cowboy, and tell you about some of the positive things in life that I L-word.

Being lulled off into hypnosis by the smell of a new T-shirt coming out of a freshly delivered package. I swear there is nothing better than tearing off the plastic tags, and dwarfing yourself in its erotic aromas. The smell of a new T-shirt is the pinnacle of perfume, without question.

When you wake up after what seems to be an undercut night of rest and brace yourself for yet another long day at the office. Rolling over, you look at your iPhone and see the digits 3:17 am staring you back from your screen. “Dear Lord, I have four more hours in this comfortable blanket fort? My life could not get any better.”

Sitting down for lunch at Pier 51 in Chicago and ordering a plate of carrot cake. For those who have heard of this delectable goodness, I don’t need to say anything more. But for those who haven’t, this dessert would get Bugs Bunny arrested for sexual misconduct it is that arousing.

Driving home from work and having a DJ toss out the phrase, “Here’s a classic for ya from one of the greatest bands of all time.” On cue, “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen comes over the airwaves and you have the privilege of harmonizing with Freddie Mercury for five minutes and fifty-eight seconds while everyone else and their boring lives drive by you in envy.

Pulling into my house just after 3:30 am after being gone for two weeks and walking into a hotel-mimicked bedroom with a freshly made bed. Laying my head down on pillows scented with Cheer Fabric softener I sleep just a little bit better, grateful that the last thing I remembered to do before I got on my flight was wash my bedding, and play the role of Consuela from housekeeping.

Getting a phone call from a long lost college buddy who was a bastard on the basketball court but a teddy bear inside, and reminiscing about life and the direction everyone is headed for over two hours. Not having to play catch up, filled with awkward pauses and repeated glances at the hours of your clock because when you’re connected with them, you pick up right where you left off.

Having a best friend give you honest advice that rights your rudder and puts your blogging career back in the black. The same advice your Grandpa gave you over a decade earlier. Knowing that you have people in your life who care about you, and want the best for you.

Yeah, that sure makes life grand.  

What do you think?