Sunday, July 27, 2014

Why We Need Women

Me: "Kaitlin Ruby, this Sunday School lesson is boring, I need a blog topic for today."

Kaitlin Ruby: "Hmm...I think you should blog about the importance of women, maybe even specifically about me."

For full effect, download "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

Me: "So seriously Kaitlin Ruby, why are women so important?" I know that question sounds like one of the most misogynistic statements possible, but don't assume that I don't know their value. I was raised by the double-X chromosome people, so before y'all tie me up in bondage and throw me to a pack of Oprahs, please understand that I was only asking this question to see what ideas she could feed me.

Kaitlin Ruby: "Let me think...women are like shoes. Yes! Shoes! Ermahgerd, I love shoes! I have so many pairs!"

It was at this point where she went into daydream mode thinking of what her closet looks like. In the midst of her blissful fetish, I did get to thinking about the value of the opposite sex. I started wondering about what they bring to the table in any type of relationship. And in between the foot blabber and my nostalgic train of thought, I began to unravel the importance of the female influence in our lives; I began to understand why we need women.

Gentlemen, we need them. We as a gender should unitedly agree on that point. Part of me wonders if the heavy influence of females in my life has helped me understand that policy, but we all have to admit that it's true. Go ahead and throw out the snide remarks about how we need them cooking meals in the kitchen and scrubbing down the toilets and every other sexist stereotype you can think of but the bottom line is this, we need women. Without them, we are fooked.

We need them to support our fragile, delicate self-esteems that we have buried underneath a pile of Chuck Norris movies and shotgun shells. Deep down below all of the manliest of our moments lies a weakened, humiliated creature who needs the approval of the outside world. In our own debilitated minds we long to have the endorsement of the rest of humanity that we still mean something. This oftentimes comes by having a pretty lady being the side candy adorned to our arms, and when that happens we as men get those feelings of confidence back, the feelings that we can do anything, the feelings that we rule the world. If we didn’t have those pretty girls holding us up by our britches we would never know what that feels like. 

This goes along with the idea that we need them to prove that we are in fact men. When a girl asks for our help when it comes to changing the oil in her Ford Escort, or putting together a dining room table, or taking the lid off of an extremely tight jar of pickles, we jump at the chance to prove that we are in fact men. We get excited at the falsehood that there are things in this world that a woman will need us for, that we are the ones that rule the world. But let’s face the facts gents; a woman doesn’t need us to change her oil. She’s only asking us just to reaffirm in our minds that we own a set of twig and berries.

We need them to be our friends. Guys, how many bros do we have on hand to laugh with, talk sports with, make fun of, and challenge one another to wrestling contests after we get dew-faced just after midnight? A whole Seattle Slew of them, I know. Bros are best friends in the most shallow forms possible. The depth to our relationships is only on the surface. We don’t talk about the meaning of life, or how we feel about past trials we have had, heck, some of the deepest conversations I’ve had with my brethren were about who was the hottest chick on Saved By The Bell. And that’s where the depth to our relationship with the opposite sex takes over. They are the thought-provoking questions that deepen our character. They are the ones who listen to us tell stories about what shaped our childhood. They are the best friends we will ever find.

We need them to be smart. Historically speaking, every man has done plenty of dumb things in their life. I think anyone who owns a manhood can agree on that point. I myself have ruined a karaoke night by singing “Bohemian Rhapsody” intoxicated by Nyquil, I have pretended to be a schizophrenic in a public setting, heck, I have ran down a set of railroad tracks buck-naked being chased by the police, all without the right shoulder influence of a woman to talk some sense into my half-empty brain. Women are the reason that we make smart decisions. They are the balance that ensures we don’t go too far off the deep end. They are the rationale and logic that makes the world go round, plain and simple.

We need them to have our kids. I don’t need to write any more of a witty explanation regarding the pain that passing an 8-pound 11-ounce kidney stone would cause. I think the great Marshall Erickson says it best by the simple declaration of “Lawyered!”

Guys, we need them. We must have them. They are a prerequisite to surviving life altogether. You may laugh when I tell you how I turn to see Kaitlyn Ruby still lost in her own dreamland, ogling over high-heels and stilettos dancing around in her head, but that’s neither here nor there. The bottom line is that women are what make men function, they are how we are able to understand life in general, heck, they are the inspiration for this entire website altogether.

Gentlemen you have to agree, women are what keep us together.

What do you think?


  1. You make me smile Brock Bybee!!

    1. Thanks Mom Willard. I'm sure Papa Tim agrees with me on this.