Thursday, May 3, 2012

We Are All Douchebags

We’ve all seen them before. Watched them from a distance at Friday night parties. Listened to bragging rants about their bicep workouts at Golds Gym earlier that day while they flex to point the direction of the gym. Yes, you all know who I am talking about. The bleached-tipped, popped-collared, pink-shirted creatures that are also known as douchebags.

For full effect, download any song by Kanye West and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

If you look up the word douchebag in the dictionary, you will see a picture of three young guys standing in douchebag poses, wearing douchebag clothes. All three will have the douchebag bleached-tipped hair, and would be brushing off the dirt from their douchebag matching shoes. It is a hideous douchebag picture that would make any other normal person embarrassed about what they had gotten themselves into if that picture had ever seen the light of day. These types of boners are the extreme epitome of a carrier that injects fluid into the feminine area.

They are all over the place. They surround us like obese individuals at a fried doughnut festival. They are the walking urethras that wear sunglasses inside movie theatres or long after the midnight hour. You know them. Douchebags are everywhere.

It is not difficult to spot a douchebag. First, you have to go by their apparel. A pink collared shirt is a simple notification that a douchebag is on the premise. The creature receives even more douchebag points if the collar on that pink shirt is popped up, only indicating his moronic behavior and douchebag style. His outfit moves even higher up on the douchebag scale if that shirt is actually tucked into a belt buckle the size of Delaware.

Their headwear can also be douchebag clothing. It is one thing for someone to wear a baseball hat in support of the squad that they’ve been cheering on for years. It is another thing for them to have a straight-brimmed New York Yankees cap turned at an angle, with the size and authenticity stickers still adhered on it. This headwear only increases their douchebag validity.

Moving on from the clothes that they are wearing to the body that they are trying to cover up. Fake tans combined with those pink popped collars show more of their douchebag character. Add to that the concept of a flavor-saver piece of facial hair. Yes, you know what I’m talking about, that tiny little patch of triangle-shaped pubes right below their lower lip. Those are douchebag whiskers, no question. Combine the Ryan Seacrest bleached tipped haircut, and you just about have yourself a prime douchebag.

On the basketball court, these types of individuals are the mutton-munchers at the gym that bring the shallow, airhead trophy-girls to their games every night, just to “impress” them with their masculinity and toughness on the court. They are the kinds of guys who wear barely any kind of shirt, just so they could show off their upper bodies, and their “rippling pectorals” as Megara says. They are the cocky pricks who after every other play, wipe the bottoms of their shoes to try and prove that they are athletic, while at the same time, check their hair if it had the possibility of getting a little bit messed up when they drove the lane on that last play.

They are the pinnacle of penis lovers. The height of buffoon behavior. The summit of stupidity. And they are everywhere. Out to get us. You know them. In fact, you are them. We all are. The pride inside of us has given way to at least one or two douchebag characteristics at some point in our lives.

As the great Fishmitts once said, “In one way or another, we’re all douchebags.” That is true. With that being said there is no way in frozen Hell that you will ever catch me in a pink popped-collared shirt tucked into my belt buckle covering up my fake tan.

Oh, and don’t forget the flavor-saver either.

What do you think?

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