Sunday, May 6, 2012

Week of R.O.A.D.S.

I’m plopped in the passenger seat of an 11-butt cheek imprint Ford E-350, surrounded by some of the finest individuals that I have ever had the privilege of meeting in my short 27-years on the Lord’s green earth.

Yes, I am back on the road. And this may be one of the most entertaining weeks of my life.

Being on a road trip conjures up some of the most outlandish, left-field, WTF aspects of your personality. Don’t ask me why. I’ve never understood how it works. Some of the most random factoids and conversation topics get brought to the table as you stare out the window and make fun of the poser who has the douchebag Ragnar sticker on the back of his ’94 Corolla.

He probably got it off of eBay.

For full effect, download “On The Road Again” by Willie Nelson and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

You talk about some of the most bizarre subjects while being on the road. Especially when you’ve been in the car just over three and a half hours. Here are just some of the examples.

Average-size Applegate: “Look, I can eat eggs if I want to. So what if I fart on the road. You can’t tell me what I can’t eat.”

The Royal Jericho: “So I went out and ran a mile in under six minutes, and then came home and ate an entire box of cereal. True story.”

Unnamed source: “Yeah, they’re probably quoting Klingon while they’re making love. Either that or they’ve never actually attempted the act of spawning children.”

And those are just the tips of the iceberg.

Somewhere around dinnertime the great Rhinestone Cowboy began expressing his views on what he thought should be rules in all of our lives. Now you may remember the blogposts that I have written about what I feel are the truths in our lives, what I call Brocktrine:

1. You always want what you can’t have.
2. Whoever has the least amount of interest in a relationship has the most control in that relationship.
3. The rain in Spain will never cause a strain.
4. Audrey Hepburn is ridiculously good looking.

As discussed at dinner, there are some rules that the Rhinestone Cowboy feels that we should all abide by in our lives. This list will more than likely expand over the course of this week, therefore, I feel that they will be called The Rules of the R.O.A.D.S.”

1. Never order spaghetti at a restaurant.
2. If you are older than 16 years of age, thou should never bring a glove to a live baseball game.
3. If you are of Polynesian descent, and you are currently residing in the United States, do NOT greet the audience with the word “Aloha” when you are about to bear your testimony in church.

Yes they’re random, but they make sense. And if abided by will generate success in one’s career and personal endeavors. This may be one of the most entertaining weeks of my life, and there certainly is more to come in the next few days. I sure hope we get to the hotel sometime soon. Because somebody’s eggs are about to burst.

What do you think?


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