Rules To Surviving A Marriage

It’s been how long since I’ve blogged about relationships? What's that? Two weeks? Alright, cue background music. Here we go.

For full effect, download “Story Of My Life” by One Direction and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

Married people are funny creatures to observe. I say this because you are more fascinating to watch than the latest season of “Ink Masters”. You are a unique batch of characters who whine and complain, praise and admire the people you said “I Do” to at an altar. You adore your married life, and you detest the way it functions, and nearly every day you toss a few pieces of advice to a single guy hoping that in whatever Bizzaro future world I end up in, I won’t have to endure the perils of a bad marriage.

And so I gathered up all your advice. I asked you to give me every single tip, pointer, and law I need to abide by in order to create the most idealistic, utopian relationship possible with whoever has the patience and lack of sanity to settle down with me.

And these are the rules that you gave me:

Although you may not think they’re attractive or sexy, earplugs may become your best friend. You’ll come to find out that he has a genetic snoring problem pretty quick, and you don’t want to suffer the consequences of being woken up every single night by his nostrils.

When you're making love and she calls out the name David, and your name is actually Eric, answer anyways. Consider it role-playing.

Date once a week. And I'm not talking about the cliche dinner and a movie routine that every boring mid-40’s couple stagnantly does on cue, I mean actual fun dates that engage both of you in some sort of activity that you either enjoy, or pushes your envelope. Don’t get lost in the shuffle of being complacent.

Go into massive amounts of debt only for a King-sized mattress. Anything else isn't even worth it.

There are no pre-determined roles, i.e., She should be in charge of cleaning. He should be in charge of being the breadwinner. Creating those roles is only going to destroy the expectations that bring down a relationship.

Do not get a cat.

If you really want to know if your wife is a legitimate woman who cleans, check the microwave. People can put on fronts and disguises, but a microwave, that is the window to how clean their soul is.

Let her sleep on the side of the bed that is closest to the bathroom.

Don't sweat the small stuff. And by small stuff, I mean don't care about the way the toilet paper goes on the holder, or the fact that she has not been taught how to use a hamper, or that toast is a mandatory side dish for every meal that you eat. Are you ever going to care about these small details in the long run?

Do whatever you can to make the woman happy. I know this phrase usually comes on stereotypical signs that Martha Stewart markets to weirdos, but "Happy Life, Happy Wife" is a true story.

The master bathroom is her bathroom. Both vanities, both sinks, the drawers underneath, the floor of the shower, everything is hers. She needs space for her makeup, perfume, jewelry, lotions, shampoos, conditioners, fancy soaps and random pieces of underwear. The four square inches in the corner are yours. Just accept this.

Costco memberships are a hidden gem.

Acknowledge the fact that girls can fart too. And poop.

Sometimes you just need to shut your mouth. Being able to listen is an art, not a priority.

Your wife does not want you to solve her problems. Shut your face and listen to her complain about the fact that she has had one of the most grueling, enduring days of her life when her mascara ran out mid swipe.

Shopping is a stress relief for a wife. It makes her feel occupied and important. Kind of like the girls in Clueless.

Football is a stress relief for a husband. It makes him feel confident reliving the memories of sitting the bench his senior year of high school. Kind of like Uncle Rico in Napolean Dynamite.

When she says she wants to be alone, leave her alone. When she asks you if she can be alone, do not respond by saying, "That's fine, just take the kids and go somewhere."

And last but not least, the mother of all rules that seemed to be the consensus cardinal regulation that everyone needs to remember, obey, and abide if they are hoping to have any type of meaningful marriage that lasts beyond six months: No matter what happens in any situation, in any circumstance, in any argument, if the foundations of physics, logic, emotion, and the very voice of our creator is pointing against her, be that as it may, the woman is always right.