When I was four years old I parked my bike on the grass, sat on my
next-door neighbor's porch, and had an intimate moment with the world around
me, with the surrounding grandeur of life's creation, with the glory of the
universe. I paused for a brief moment, looked up to the skies with a humble
heart and thanked the big man upstairs for giving me a penis.
For full effect, download “The Big Payback” by James Brown,
and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.
It's been a long time since that lazy summer afternoon on my
neighbor’s porch with many years passing me by. In fact it’s been nearly 25
years since that wiener-realizing moment and my life has been chock full of
women. Sisters, girlfriends, mothers, crazy stalkers, you name ‘em, I've known ‘em.
These are women who have taught me lessons I would never be able to duplicate,
and they are also the women who have confirmed in my head why I love being a man.
Here are just a few reasons.
6. We don't have to sit down to pee. People, we spend over a
year of our life in bathroom stalls, no exaggeration, no embellishment, one
year from our life can be subtracted expending waste materials into a plumbing
system. And the greatest part about the way men dispose of ourselves is that we
can pee standing up. No problems, no issues, if we get lost in the woods while
camping we don’t have to squat on an open log just to go number one. That
alone should be the single greatest reason why being a man rocks.
5. We can fart. Anywhere, anytime, anyplace, our masculine
heritage gives us that right. Taking it one step further, we can make jokes
about those farts and people don't think we are the crudest creatures
imaginable. One step even further, we can light those farts on fire and have a
case of the shnigglefits at 3 am. You can’t tell me scout camp was not packed
with some of the most memorable experiences lighting ourselves on fire.
4. We are not emotional. Guys, back me up on this. We don't start
fights, we don't complain about our pant size being depressing. We can actually
get into an argument with another person and not hold a grudge for 17 years
before speaking with them again. We are simple folk who don't let emotions
run rampant in our lives and drive us to pure madness.
3. We don't have to paint a picture on our face every creaking
morning so that when we go out in public people will somehow find us
attractive. Makeup itself justifies having a noodle, heck it's an entire blog
by itself. On a side note, what if you're not creative at all and have really
poor artistic skills? Does that mean you're bound to look like a clown for the
rest of your life? Trust me, some girls just can't pull off those caked on layers of blush.
2. How do I say this in the most proper form possible, part of me
doesn't shed off and die once a month from the ages of 14-55 with 9-month
vacations tossed around a few times here and there. Yeah, enough said on that
subject.
1. No wait, not enough said on that subject. Hypothetically
speaking, let's say I have to pass a kidney stone through my appendage. And
let's just say that kidney stone actually isn't the size of an M&M, but
more the size of a Cornish game hen. Once that sucker tears up my manhood, do I
have to nurture that kidney stone? Do I have to let it suck on my pecs twice a
day for a few months? I don't have enough patience to L-word a kidney stone
like that. Ladies, I can't fathom how much you have to go through all so you
can pass a freaking kidney stone.
Ladies will fight this, blogposts will argue this and
femininity will reign supreme in the comments with females everywhere pointing
out why being a woman is liberating, joyful, and they have privileges men will
never appreciate. But when it comes down to it do you want to know the bottom line
why I am grateful to have a Y-chromosome kick in when it did? Do you want to know
the absolute numero uno reason why I'm glad to be a guy?
Because I have the ability to write my
own name in the snow.
I rest my case.
0 comments:
Post a Comment