Wednesday, March 19, 2014

I'm A Man

When I was four years old I parked my bike on the grass, sat on my next-door neighbor's porch, and had an intimate moment with the world around me, with the surrounding grandeur of life's creation, with the glory of the universe. I paused for a brief moment, looked up to the skies with a humble heart and thanked the big man upstairs for giving me a penis. 

For full effect, download “The Big Payback” by James Brown, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. 

It's been a long time since that lazy summer afternoon on my neighbor’s porch with many years passing me by. In fact it’s been nearly 25 years since that wiener-realizing moment and my life has been chock full of women. Sisters, girlfriends, mothers, crazy stalkers, you name ‘em, I've known ‘em. These are women who have taught me lessons I would never be able to duplicate, and they are also the women who have confirmed in my head why I love being a man. 

Here are just a few reasons. 

6. We don't have to sit down to pee. People, we spend over a year of our life in bathroom stalls, no exaggeration, no embellishment, one year from our life can be subtracted expending waste materials into a plumbing system. And the greatest part about the way men dispose of ourselves is that we can pee standing up. No problems, no issues, if we get lost in the woods while camping we don’t have to squat on an open log just to go number one. That alone should be the single greatest reason why being a man rocks.

5. We can fart. Anywhere, anytime, anyplace, our masculine heritage gives us that right. Taking it one step further, we can make jokes about those farts and people don't think we are the crudest creatures imaginable. One step even further, we can light those farts on fire and have a case of the shnigglefits at 3 am. You can’t tell me scout camp was not packed with some of the most memorable experiences lighting ourselves on fire.

4. We are not emotional. Guys, back me up on this. We don't start fights, we don't complain about our pant size being depressing. We can actually get into an argument with another person and not hold a grudge for 17 years before speaking with them again. We are simple folk who don't let emotions run rampant in our lives and drive us to pure madness. 

3. We don't have to paint a picture on our face every creaking morning so that when we go out in public people will somehow find us attractive. Makeup itself justifies having a noodle, heck it's an entire blog by itself. On a side note, what if you're not creative at all and have really poor artistic skills? Does that mean you're bound to look like a clown for the rest of your life? Trust me, some girls just can't pull off those caked on layers of blush. 

2. How do I say this in the most proper form possible, part of me doesn't shed off and die once a month from the ages of 14-55 with 9-month vacations tossed around a few times here and there. Yeah, enough said on that subject. 

1. No wait, not enough said on that subject. Hypothetically speaking, let's say I have to pass a kidney stone through my appendage. And let's just say that kidney stone actually isn't the size of an M&M, but more the size of a Cornish game hen. Once that sucker tears up my manhood, do I have to nurture that kidney stone? Do I have to let it suck on my pecs twice a day for a few months? I don't have enough patience to L-word a kidney stone like that. Ladies, I can't fathom how much you have to go through all so you can pass a freaking kidney stone.

Ladies will fight this, blogposts will argue this and femininity will reign supreme in the comments with females everywhere pointing out why being a woman is liberating, joyful, and they have privileges men will never appreciate. But when it comes down to it do you want to know the bottom line why I am grateful to have a Y-chromosome kick in when it did? Do you want to know the absolute numero uno reason why I'm glad to be a guy? 

Because I have the ability to write my own name in the snow.  

I rest my case. 

What do you think?

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