Taking People In Doses

I have been sitting in my underwear for seven straight hours, doing nothing but watch a steady stream of college football. And I couldn’t be happier with my life.

For full effect, download “Hysteria” by Muse and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

Seriously people, since 9:30 this morning I have been laying on my couch, with a beard on my face and Doritos in my hair, binging on bowls of Marshmallow Mateys every 40 minutes, and doing nothing but watch guys in their mid-twenties beat each other up in helmets. Dang, I love Saturdays in the fall.  For the majority of the day I have been alone. By myself. And I love it. You know why?

Because sometimes I can only handle people in doses. 

I’m sure you all know what I mean. We all have people we can only take so much of. People who are great the first few moments we see them, but after three minutes their annoying traits make us want to pull out their fingernails with a pair of pliers.

Ok, that may have been a bit graphic, I apologize. But you know what I mean.

Heck, to you I may be one of those annoying people. Perhaps I fall in the category of someone you can only stand for a few quick lines of conversation before you fake a phone call or use some other tactic to get rid of me. I know you can only put up with so many of my sarcastic rants on dating. However, along with me there are others that can go ahead and join the club of people we just can’t stand.

Take for instance the John Doe I deal with once every eight months. This is a guy who at first glance feels like a homegrown hero whom I’ve shared many childhood memories with. But after thirty seconds of listening to his sermons about how successful his first few semesters of law school have been, and how amazingly beautiful his children are, and every single other detail of his life he tries to “one-up” me with, all of this helps me realize how worthless our friendship actually is.

Or what about the ginger-haired pigeon who questions me once a week via Facebook about my love life, my dating prospects, the fact that I’m still single and why I haven’t followed her example and found a partner as loving, and adoring, and admirable as the husband she talks crap on while doing yoga with her sister-in-law. Yes, I can only stomach your sage advice on relationships for so long, so please shut your yapper.

These two prospects are just a few of the people who I have to handle in doses. There are plenty of other creatures whose presence I can only stand to be in for a few brief moments of my life: the RedSox Bandwagon Jumper, the Thick-Eyebrow Drama Queen, the Lonely Tiger, the Play-by-Play Narcissist, the Holier-Than-Peter construction manager, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I can only tolerate them for a brief amount of time. And thank the good Lord upstairs they all live over 300 miles away from me.  

In a few short days we will all celebrate that one holiday Pilgrims and Indians created with a sacrificial turkey. Family and friends will come together and loosen their belt buckles for the outpouring of sweet potato casserole and lime Jell-O salad. We will be exposed to people we can only deal with in doses. Annoying Uncles, geriatric Great-Grandmothers and hypocritical cousins all rolled into the same household. Some of them we can stomach for longer periods of time. And this Thursday we’ll all get together and take shots of one another.

Alcohol may or may not be included.

Some of the best relationships we have are with the people who we can handle for extended amounts of time. People who when we’re with them, we’re not counting down the seconds off our watches in agony. People who we can tell our deepest, darkest secrets to, and they still L-word us in spite of our flaws. Maybe that’s what we are all looking for to make our life just a little bit better. 

Someone who we don’t measure in doses.