My Life On Red Bull

The following are my transcribed thoughts from the fifth longest drive in my young adult life, recorded on the 418-mile route from Spokane, Washington to Boise, Idaho.

9:18 p.m. I kind of feel like this drive is going to be like a giant Red Bull commercial. Minus all the sexual innuendo and cartoonish drawings.

9:41 p.m. Man, did that cashier have some bad B.O. I know they’re all liberals up here, but can residents of Washington at least wear deodorant?

10:26 p.m. 30 women at a bridal shower just made fun of me for calling a blind date. Yeah, I sure am famous now.

11:19 p.m. What am I doing listening to Stephen King narrate “Misery” as I’m going through a canyon covered in potential black ice? This almost seems like an intro to my life turning into a horror story. I need to hear something else. Oh yeah, Beiber, I’ll take some of that.

11:32 p.m. Oregonians must be pretty bored to put a sign on the Interstate noting that we are exactly halfway between the Equator and the North Pole. Wait, did I just say Oregonians? Something’s wrong. I need more Red Bull.

11:41 p.m. Fun fact of the day: Western State University in Colorado is the highest college in the entire country. And yes, high as in elevation, not high as in pot brownies. Someday that will be valuable when I audition to be on Jeopardy. 

12:01 a.m. Ok, someone needs to tell the Grandpa in front of me that he shouldn’t have taken his Subaru out for a late night drive.

12:20 a.m. You know, I’m getting tired. Maybe I should probably take a nap. Hey there’s a bunch of truckers by that rest stop. I’m sure a quick 20-minutes wouldn’t hurt. Unless they are all secret werewolf rapers and they prey on innocent college recruiters like me! I AM NOT STOPPING THIS CAR! Where is my blowgun?!

12:35 a.m. I want to punch Mother Earth in the ovaries for thinking a snowstorm in the middle of the night was a good idea. If I die on this trip, I am totally going to come back as some kind of pollution to piss her off!

12:44 a.m. I really need to pee. But I haven’t seen any signs letting me know that there’s a gas station for at least an hour. If I pull over and pee on the side of the road, will I be fined by the state of Oregon for $10,000? Probably. Heck, they won’t even let me pump my own gas in this place. Taking a whiz on the side of an abandoned highway is probably a felony.

1:17 a.m. I should totally blog about this tomorrow. Everybody will think my late night thoughts are hilarious!

1:18 a.m. Or maybe they wont.

1:38 a.m. My butt sure does fit nice in this seat. Come to think about it, my butt cheeks are pretty much imprinted forever into the Styrofoam I’m sitting on. This is almost like a molded statue of my head. Except it’s in the front seat of a car. And it’s of the other end of my body. Ok. We’re done here.  

1:59 a.m. SQUIRREL!

2:06 a.m. I could totally be a backup drummer for Muse if they asked me! Seriously, is there anyone better than yours truly at holding a beat? Yeah so what if I’m using empty water bottles and my steering wheel, I am an AMAZING DRUMMER!

2:20 a.m. How long is this hill going to climb?! I feel like I’ve been going up FOR-EV-ER! HA! Great movie! I need to watch The Sandlot again.

2:36 a.m. I know I said I need to blog about this, but maybe I should do it now while I’m driving. There’s like no one out here. I can just…HOLY CRAP THERE’S A DEAD COW IN THE ROAD! I CAN TAKE A HINT! PUTTING MY PHONE AWAY!

2:57 a.m. How long have I been steering this car with my legs?

3:04 a.m. I SHOULD TOTALLY START A BAR! IT WOULD GO RIGHT UNDERNEATH MY THAI FOOD/POWELL’S BOOKSTORE COMBINATION! YES! I AM TOTALLY STARTING A BAR! I’M EVEN GONNA CALL IT PUZZLES! Thank you Barney Stinson.

3:18 a.m. I’m still 31 miles away? WHERE THE CURSE WORD AM I! There hasn’t been another set of headlights for at least an hour! I hate Idaho.

3:31 a.m. If I ate a taco right now, would it count as a really late dinner? Or a really early breakfast? And how fast would it go to my thighs?

3:39 a.m. “NEVER LET ME GO-OH-OH-OH-NO-NO-NO-NO-NO-NO-NO! OH MAMA MIA! MAMA MIA! MAMA MIA LET ME GO! BEEZELBUB HAS A DEVIL PUT ASIDE FOR ME! FOR ME! FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!”

3:47 a.m. …

4:01 a.m. I made it! Geez, what a ride. Whether or not this is a dream remains to be seen. Oh hey! I forgot about this Red Bull!