Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Note To Future Self

Kids, as you know this blog is mainly designed so you, my posterity, can have an insight into who your Father really was over the course of his young adult life. At least that’s what I hope all of you reading this understand to be my blog’s purpose. It’s for my kids, not for you. Yeah, I’ll take a Facebook like and a complimentary shoutout here and there, but seriously, this blog is for my kids. Quit being so selfish.   

For full effect, download “Robbing Me Blind” by We Are The Strike, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

Sometimes I read past journal entries and laugh about things that “past self” at one point thought was a serious/devastating issue in my life. The future self in me now gets a smile on my face when I read about how devastated past self was when the Utah Jazz lost in the 1997 NBA finals, and when Abby Arnold broke my heart just after I turned 16.  

Seeing those things made me wonder what if the tables were turned and I could talk to my future self and give him some suggestions. Almost like putting a really ugly box in the ground that pretends to be a time vault and have future self, who is undoubtedly a ridiculously good looking hunk and well-published author, teaching Human Communication at some big time University, have a glimpse into his past. But if I can talk to him for three minutes and tell him some of the things I want him as a Father to do for you, this is what that three-minute list would sound like.

Take you to a pet store and walk around entranced at all the awesome-looking fishes, but not buy you a cat.

Show you how to carve pumpkins in the park. 

Build a cardboard box time machine in our garage and teach you how to navigate through our basement.

Have sleepovers on our back deck in the summers.

Teach you how to believe in Santa up until you turn 13. Then after that, teach you how to grow up, know the true reason I’m so tired on December 25th, but still somehow keep the true meaning of Christmas alive in your heart.

Teach you why places like Maverick and Texaco are your childhood Mecca.

Watch cartoons on a Saturday in our pajamas and get sick off of a Fruit Loop buffet.

Girls, show you how to change a tire, change your oil, and change a boy into a gentleman.

Boys, show you how to open a door for a girl, wear a suit, and make a free throw.

Let you help me by stirring things when I’m cooking amazing meals. That may not seem too important, but at least you know that I enjoy having your help.  

Instill in you the passion about why The Ohio State University is the best team to root for.

Give you the motivation to chase your dreams and not give up, but at the same time be the shoulder you need to cry on when things don’t always go as planned.

Teach you how to play pranks on each other.

Help you understand why Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is the greatest cartoon franchise in the history of humanity.

Answer your questions when it comes to religion, politics, and sex. Not just hide behind the covers and hope the controversial things will just figure themselves out on their own. 

Show you the proper way to toilet paper a house. 

Not only be the Dad that you need to have in your life, but be the Dad that you want to have in your life.

Kids, I really hope that future self is a good Dad, and that he will have checked nearly every single one of these things off the list. And if future self hasn’t done any of this, well you have past/current self’s permission to kick him in the nuts, slap him in the face, or do something else violent enough to get his attention in order to remind him why past self put this list together. Because all of us need to have a great Dad in our life.

Especially you.

What do you think?

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