Happy Thanksgiving, Pilgrims!

Here we sit on the eve of the most obese holiday ever created, baking pies, stuffing turkeys, and seeing how much whipped cream we can fit in our mouths from the aerosol can on the counter. Boy, life is grand, I’ll tell you what. For full effect, download “Kind and Generous” by Natalie Merchant, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. During this festival of fatness there are more than likely a grouping of traditions that...

Taking People In Doses

I have been sitting in my underwear for seven straight hours, doing nothing but watch a steady stream of college football. And I couldn’t be happier with my life. For full effect, download “Hysteria” by Muse and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Seriously people, since 9:30 this morning I have been laying on my couch, with a beard on my face and Doritos in my hair, binging on bowls of Marshmallow Mateys every...

I’m Just As Gay As You Are

Many of you might have clicked on this link hoping it would be a 600-word coming out party, finally confirming your suspicions that a 28-year old single man who is thin, neat, and clean, living in the state of Utah has closet attractions to members of the same sex. Part of your suspicions may have evolved from the fact that my earliest childhood best friend was named Courtney. Granted, Courtney was a boy. Don’t hate his parents. They were probably...

The Electric Toothbrush

By the time you start reading this, I’ll be off somewhere in the middle of the desert. For full effect, download “1985” by Bowling For Soup, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. For the second Sunday in a row I am on a road trip. A 13-hour, 36-minute, 827-mile, longest-time-I-will-ever-spend-behind-a-steering-wheel road trip to be more specific. As you’re reading this I am probably in Las Vegas, or Barstow,...

Note To Future Self

Kids, as you know this blog is mainly designed so you, my posterity, can have an insight into who your Father really was over the course of his young adult life. At least that’s what I hope all of you reading this understand to be my blog’s purpose. It’s for my kids, not for you. Yeah, I’ll take a Facebook like and a complimentary shoutout here and there, but seriously, this blog is for my kids. Quit being so selfish.    For full effect,...

Perfect Timing

"Perfect timing" the fat man said as he stepped off the elevator. I shut my hotel door and filled his spot. He was right. The doors opening on cue just as I was leaving my room was right on schedule. And who would have thought I would have life changing inspiration for a blog from a little butterball that didn't make eye contact.  For full effect, download "Lighthouse" by The Hush Sound and play at maximum volume throughout the duration...

My Life On Red Bull

The following are my transcribed thoughts from the fifth longest drive in my young adult life, recorded on the 418-mile route from Spokane, Washington to Boise, Idaho. 9:18 p.m. I kind of feel like this drive is going to be like a giant Red Bull commercial. Minus all the sexual innuendo and cartoonish drawings. 9:41 p.m. Man, did that cashier have some bad B.O. I know they’re all liberals up here, but can residents of Washington at least...

The Crazies

I have met many, many strange people in my time on the road. For full effect, download “Flightless Bird, American Mouth” by Iron & Wine and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. In my three years of being an academic talking head, I have never had a good taste in my mouth for the city of Portland, Oregon. Maybe it’s the bad taste still left in my mouth from a combination of maple bacon bars and rotten sushi....