How I Tindered Your Mother

I’ve got a buddy trying to convince me to join Tinder. As if being a single 28-year old man in the bubble of Utah doesn’t make me feel like a big enough loser in your eyes already. For full effect, download “Loser” by Beck and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Yeah, that’s right, Loser. I’m stereotyping a very popular social app to a very degrading song from the 90's. Get over it. For those of you who aren’t...

The Best Five Years

I always write some of my best stuff after 3 am. You can go ahead and thank “The Shawshank Redemption” and a bottle of Dr. Pepper for that. For full effect, download “Anthem of Our Dying Day” by Story of the Year and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.  I L-word hearing people give me advice on how to have a successful marriage. Seriously, every single one of you with a shared relationship status has...

Get Busy Livin'

I feel like Andy Dufresne. Oh, what’s that? Don’t know who Andy Dufresne is? Well shame on you. Stop whatever you’re wasting your time on and go watch “The Shawshank Redemption”. I don’t care if it’s a 12-page research paper, a business proposal, or a make out session with a poster of Fred Savage. Stop reading this post immediately and go watch 2 hours and 22 minutes of one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces to have ever been created....

The Rules of Women

Growing up I was surrounded by women, covered with them. I don’t write this to propose that I was a heavy-duty pimp daddy who was tossing girlfriends left and right throughout the duration of my adolescence. No, this is only a setup to inform you about how I lived in a house full of females. Eleven of them to be specific. Go ahead and add a pretty girly Dad into the mix who was so emotionally high-strung he would sit and cry at Nike commercials. True...

You Can't Break The Rules

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It's Them Little Things

Every writer supposedly has a go-to venue for inspiration. For some it’s locked away in a cabin isolating themselves from any human contact whatsoever. Don’t believe me? Go watch “Secret Window” with Johnny Depp. For others, inspiration could be found while taking bubble baths and gorging on a box of Russell Stover chocolates. I assume that last class of people can be stereotyped as women in their mid-30’s, but don’t quote me on that.  As...

Don't Get Short With Me

What’s funnier than kicking a midget? Nothing. For full effect, download “Short People” by Randy Newman, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. For the record I would like to give a shout out to the big man upstairs for granting me the freedom of being over six feet tall. I feel entitled. More manly. I feel in debt knowing that I don’t need a stepping stool to get into a Toyota Corolla. Me not being under...

And We're The Three Best Friends

This past week I had a rather deep conversation with two buddies over Mexican food. I don’t know what venue your most profound knowledge is discussed over, but in my case I would like to state that the majority of my own spiritual enlightenment has occurred over a hefty helping of steak tostadas.  For full effect, download “That’s What Friends Are For” by four random British vultures on the soundtrack for Disney’s “The Jungle Book”, and...