You must forgive my tardiness in posting this. It seems the holiday known to us as April Fools Day drove me away from social media all together. Honestly people, do you think any of us will believe any status you post on April 1st? I mean come on Christian Spitzenberger, come up with something more original than “We’re having a baby!”
And yes kids, I know someone with the last name of Spitzenberger. That sounds like a German breath mint, but you’ll always remember it.
For full effect, download “Running on Empty” by Jackson Browne and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. While you’re at it, go watch the last hour of Forrest Gump and tell me you don’t get chills on the back of your neck.
This post is not designed to applaud the efforts of all of the health freaks out there who are dedicating their lives to a disciplined diet and a hardcore training schedule. This post is designed to dismantle all of the trendy bandwagon jumpers and seven-year itch parents with low self-esteem that think running a 5k is now the “in” thing to do. It’s because of you that I don’t want to go to the gym anymore.
Trendy running is a scam I say. You hear me? A scam! This trendy running pandemic is the annoying little brother who thinks it’s funny to put gum in your armpits. It’s the carpet stain from your bloody nose that just won’t go away no matter how hard you keep scrubbing. People who think 5 and 10k’s are basically speedwalking social events, are the same pieces of crap that Shooter McGavin eats for breakfast.
Anyone with low self-esteem using Facebook: “Oh, hey, you should totally do the Color Me Rad 5k run with me this weekend. Everybody starts running, and then all of the supporters throw buckets of neon chalk all over the place. It’s like a giant running rainbow Woodstock!”
Anyone using logic: “Wait, but are you going for a certain time on your 5k?
Anyone with low self-esteem using Facebook: “No, not really. It’s all about the experience of people throwing chalk at you and getting covered in it so you can have a really unique profile pic online. Besides, I’m only going to be running about a quarter of it anyway!”
Anyone using logic: “And that’s why your nickname will forever be ‘Muffintop’.”
The sad thing is that it doesn’t stop at the speed-chalk challenge either. Trendy 5k’s are sweeping across our diabetic nation in any unhealthy shape possible. There’s the “Run For Your Lives Zombie 5k” the “Midnight Run Glow-in-the-Dark 5k” or even the “Naked Foot 5k”. That’s right, naked foot. A couple thousand weirdos comfortable in their nudeness dance around for a little over three miles and claim it as exercise.
What is wrong with us people? Why do we depend so much upon what everyone else is doing to be cool? Didn’t we give up the idea of cliques and social classes when we walked out of the Dee Events Center with our high school diplomas? Walking a 5k splashed in paint and then treating yourself to a stuffed crust pizza and half-gallon of Rockie Road ice cream as a reward will not make the pounds go away. It’s an insult to the concept of physical fitness.
In a few hundred years, once mankind has been completely obliterated from planet Earth either from Kim Jong-un’s nuclear attacks, or from the onslaught of obesity, heart problems, and diabetes, I think aliens may come back and do an analysis on why we didn’t survive the ultimate race. At the heart of their research there will be the confusing wonder that E.T.’s across the galaxy will forever be mystified by; did we as human beings not fully grasp the concept of actual exercise, or did we think that rolling around in chalk for an hour was the equivalent of a solid workout?
Sadly, right now the majority of the world agrees with the latter end of that question.