Sunday, April 28, 2013

Real Men Don't Beg At The Pulpit

We now return you to your regularly scheduled dating blunder programming. 

Normally this is where I come in and let my fingers do the recounting of an awkward blind date with a girl who shows up wearing sweatpants and has 13 cats, but I’m going to hold on to that gem just a bit longer. 

Instead, today you will be treated to hear from a magnificent guest blogger.  Who this morning traded stories with me across the state about how the guys in our culture are absolute buffoons.  With tears in my eyes shaking uncontrollably with laughter, I have to agree with him.  This story is why hundreds and thousands of girls out there are afraid of talking to any unmarried guy older than 27.  This kid is a disgrace to the Bro code, to the art of being manly, and to any eligible bachelor out there.  This kid is why women are afraid to commit. 

And it is for this kid that I apologize on behalf of my gender.  I know too many of him exist.  

Having said that, I now turn this post over to the ever-popular, the ever-dangerous, the ever sexy-getting man who I would give up a left nut for if he were being held hostage by Celtic fans. The one, the only, the great Chief Kent.   

"Up until this point in my life, singles wards haven’t been as clich√© as I thought they would be. That was until one fateful Sunday on April 28, 2013 in Salt Lake City.

A sad gentleman in his late 20’s got up to give a talk on this day, and his topic centered around dating and marriage. Note to bishoprics: If you want to give the marriage and dating talk to your ward, do not pick the saddest person in the ward to give the talk.

He opened his talk by saying, “Note to self: Don’t ask to give a talk.” OK then, if you didn’t want to give a talk, why did you volunteer yourself? Of course, no one in the congregation laughed, so this poor fellow became even sadder right on the spot.

He went on talk about his topic and said how much difficulty he’s had in that area, and it’s made him discouraged over the years.

Depressed Klingon: “How can I assure the sisters around me that I’m a charismatic and jovial guy once you get to know me? How can I assure the sisters that I’m the husband that they are hoping for?”

Chief Kent: *Bites lower lip to keep from laughing, and when that doesn’t work, sticks head between legs*

Suddenly I noticed out of the corners of my eyes that the other brethren in the congregation started to do the same thing. Some were making fun of him, some were laughing, but most were sticking their heads between their legs while trying not to laugh. The sisters continued listening to Depressed Klingon, so I don’t really know if they were intrigued by or embarrassed for him.

So Depressed Klingon continued on with his talk, and I don’t remember many of the other details as, of course, I had started texting Swamp Thing during this ordeal.  The main message I heard from it was that sisters need to stop reading Cosmopolitan and brothers need to stop reading Men’s Health. Or something like that. I think he was trying to say that sisters should stop chasing after bad guys. Here’s the last quote that I remember.

Depressed Klingon: “Sisters, don’t you want a husband who will treat you tenderly?”

A good message, but you made your audience suffer and laugh through the first 10 minutes of your talk, so this question doesn’t carry as much weight as it could have.

Look, I feel bad for the guy. I really do. We’ve all been in singles ward situations where we were a little depressed and wondered why we haven’t met our Monica Geller (Chandler Bing for the girls), Juliet O’Hara (Shawn Spencer for the girls), or the girl with the yellow umbrella (Ted Mosby for the girls). But I don’t think giving an entire talk with the purpose of trying to get the sisters to feel bad for you is the answer.

When he ended his talk, the brethren lifted their heads simultaneously as if attending a session of midnight mass at Juan Diego High School. Deep down inside, I’m sure one of the seven timeline versions of us would have done the same thing, but this is the prime timeline. And in the prime timeline, Depressed Klingon was the one who crossed the barrier.

I have one piece of advice for Depressed Klingon, and the advice came from my mission president.

Chief Kent (quoting the Colorado Hospital Millionaire): “If you want to be enthusiastic, you have to act enthusiastic.”

Act it, don’t say it, bro."

What do you think?


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