I think everybody openly has an unhealthy dependence on the feed that pops up every time they open their Facebook page.
For full effect, download “D is for Dangerous” by Arctic Monkeys, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.
Over the past few days I have been tossing texts back and forth with a good friend announcing to each other what we have learned from Facebook, more so, what rules and laws make up the Facebook world that you are all governed by. You see, neither one of us is actually enslaved to the Facebook popularity gratification like the rest of you are. I use it only to promote my blog, while he, well, come to think of it, he hasn’t posted in over three years. Now that’s a first.
Having said that, these are some of the ultimatums/points of doctrine that we have come to discover through all of the content you idiots are supplying us with on this desert island of a website. These are the things we have LEARNED while being on Facebook.
1. People have now decided that every time they eat something they MUST post the recipe. Why yes, in my spare time I LOVE making Frozen Peanut Butter Cheesecake, Hawaiian Ham N Cheese Sliders, and Crescent Roll Tacos, now give me the directions so I can put them in a folder I will NEVER open.
2. It’s more fun to make fun of people when you are sharing the criticism with others. Heaven forbid that person’s self esteem get shriveled by just one derogatory comment on their new profile pic, let’s see if we can get everyone else involved in modern day internet bullying.
3. If Morgan Freeman died, Facebook would break.
4. After a barrage of posts every hour by one of our mutual friends about his impending marriage and the excitement and elation he was feeling to be with his one true love for the rest of eternity, he has since only posted twice in four months. Neither of them having anything to do with his wife. Coincidence?
5. If a child is abducted, goes missing, forgets to come home after school, just share the photo of her with all of your online friends. That way you’ll get a shallow feeling of accomplishment that you contributed to the betterment of society as a whole. How is anyone going to find her if they’re all glued to their monitors? WHO CARES? You shared it.
6. Puppy and kitten pics can be both the funniest, and the saddest things one will ever witness.
7. Yesterday was Earth Day. How the curse word did we know that? Because of Facebook. Did anyone do anything about that? Of course not. Recycling is for Lame-O’s!
8. During finals week EVERYONE feels an obligatory response to make hourly updates on how many tests they have taken, and how many tests they have remaining, just so the kids at home keeping score will be able to keep their tally marks in order on how close everyone is to being done this semester.
9. One can put a motivational quote as their status, to change your perspective of them from a toothless moron, to a wise sage.
10. One can also misspell just one word in that motivational quote, thus sending them right back to toothless moron.
11. #Imgonnagoaheadandputahashtagonthis #eventhoughfacebookdoesnotsupporthashtags #andnoonewouldeversearchthenovelimwritingafterit #dontyouthinkimreallywittynowafterreadingthis?
12. Don’t you think this black and white picture of me and my fiancé staring off into the art gallery is SOOOOO precious?
13. Everybody really hates Windows 8 for some reason.
Finally, everyone was somehow affected by the Boston Marathon bombing. For someone to do such a cruel and disgusting action such as planting a bomb is a disgrace to humanity, that is the honest truth. So you’re going to show how loyal you are to the runners, to the police squads at MIT, and to the city of Boston by posting a status of the sorrow you feel for the three who were killed and the 260 who were injured.
Oh wait, you didn’t know any of those people?
That’s alright. At least you’re being dedicated by standing up online against all of the shocking disasters that mankind faces on a daily basis; for instance, the explosion in West Texas that probably killed over 60 people and turned a nursing home into a 93-foot crater. Oh you didn’t hear about that? That’s alright, you probably heard about the earthquake in China that killed over 189 people didn’t you? Oh, you haven’t heard about that either? Is that because those weren’t trending as “popular tragedies” to support on Facebook that all of your friends were joining; therefore you don’t care one single cent about them whatsoever?
Oh. That makes sense.
Actually, no. No it doesn’t.