The Facebook Execution

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Why Don't You Just Grow Up!

Kyle and Amy are expecting me to write about a series of events that happened last night at Sonora Grill, but no. What happened last night is not blog-worthy. It's not even journal-worthy. In fact last night at 11:41 pm all I wrote was: 2/23/13 Went to the gym, pumped up my tires, something happened from 7-10 that I don't really remember. -Swamp Thing For full effect, download "Backdrifts" by Radiohead, and play at maximum volume throughout...

Games With Dead People

In my spare time after midnight, I can usually be caught holding my iPhone in the dark trying to come up with a seven-letter word that will use both the TL and TW squares to maximize my score on a very simple game downloaded from iTunes. Yes, I play a game that is essentially Scrabble for Social Media, or what is also known as Words With Friends. For full effect, download “Word Up” by Cameo and play at maximum volume throughout the duration...

The Life of Ryan Ward

Today I want to tell you about the best companion that I had for only 22 days of my life. Ryan Nathaniel Ward was paired up with me on the first day we both were sent down to the Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah back in the summer of 2004. At first, I thought Ryan was just some quiet weird kid from Layton who hadn’t been given the memo that pocket protectors were never the “in” thing to wear. But as time went on I realized he was...

Schizophrenic Girlfriends Aren't That Bad

I lie to the women who cut my hair. And I don't think there is anything wrong with that. For full effect download "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton and play at maximum volume throughout he duration of this post. The shallow relationship that exists between a single man and the woman cutting his hair is something of absolute beauty. You spill your guts while she shaves your neck and after twenty minutes of interpersonal disposal, both of...

Here's Your Sign

Moron holding a UPS package: "Bless you. Dang are you sick?" Swamp Thing: "No, I always wear sweat pants and mucus-coated t-shirts when answering the door at three in the afternoon." Here's your sign. For full effect, download "Sick, sick, sick" by Queens of the Stone Age and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. I have been as sick as a dog for the past four days, (might I add since when are canines considered eternal...

An Eye For An Eye

Tonight we find out who is the real Alpha Male. Rick? Or the Govern...

The Shawshank-Rhapsody Rule

John Cusack and a serial killer sometimes inspire the best material for this blog. Originally I was going to write about how a quick juke by my brother-in-law on the basketball court last night caused me to bite a hole in my tongue, thus causing a swelling sensation equivalent of someone with a mild lisp. But then again there’s not enough material in that to keep you laughing for a good 90 seconds. The best I could come up with was how difficult...

WHO TAUGHT HER THIS?!

I received a disturbing text message last night that involved using punctuation marks to symbolize a face that is smiling. The disturbing part was that I got this text from my Grandma. For full effect, download "Everybody Hurts" by REM, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Everything about this scenario goes against any existing thread of moral standards and here is why: first, it’s a little unusual to get a text...