Thursday, February 7, 2013

The Shawshank-Rhapsody Rule

John Cusack and a serial killer sometimes inspire the best material for this blog.

Originally I was going to write about how a quick juke by my brother-in-law on the basketball court last night caused me to bite a hole in my tongue, thus causing a swelling sensation equivalent of someone with a mild lisp. But then again there’s not enough material in that to keep you laughing for a good 90 seconds. The best I could come up with was how difficult it is for me to try and say the word thesaurus, but you deserve better.

Back to the serial killer.

In the most recent episode of How I Met Your Mother, Ted Mosby creates what is called the Dobler/Dahmer effect, where the affection that someone shows can be interpreted as loving, or lunatic, depending on which perspective you’re looking at it from. Don’t worry now, this isn’t another ridiculous blogpost about a single bachelor’s perspective on the L-word, I only use Ted Mosby’s theory to come up with what I would list as the next directive we all should abide by in our lives:

The Shawshank-Rhapsody rule.

Yesterday while I was driving home from work, a glorious tune began playing on Arrow 103.5, a tune made famous by the hit movie “Wayne’s World”. I assume that you yourself are already assuming that I’m talking about “Bohemian Rhapsody”, which in my humble opinion is one of the five best songs ever written in human history.

Seeing as how I was involved in rush hour traffic, and given the fact that I didn’t care what the fifty-something kitty lover in the Jetta next to me thought, I began singing along with Freddie Mercury, and belting out the lyrics as loud as I could for the entire five minutes and 58 seconds. It was glorious, magical, a rush of 80’s endorphins taking over while I burst out my falsetto and white-collared plump businessmen pointed and laughed from the carpool lane.

But I didn’t care at all.

Later that night, as I was flipping back and forth between “Family Guy” reruns and the Jazz halftime show, I came across a flawless cinema masterpiece on AMC that features Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins as convicts in an upstate Maine prison. That glory of a flick I’m referring to is “The Shawshank Redemption”, and if you haven’t seen it, well shame on you.

I was about midway through the movie, where Andy Dufresne does taxes for the prison guards’ intramural softball team, and I just had to finish watching until the end. There were still another two hours to go, but the same stir of emotions was triggered when Tommy got shot, when Andy walked into the bank, and when Morgan Freeman told the committee to “Stamp your form Sonny Boy, and stop wasting my time.” I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, that entire show is just beautiful.

After my life was enriched yet again by those two great gifts of media, I came up with what shall be known as the Shawshank-Rhapsody rule, which states:

Item I: If at any time, one is to hear the song “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen, they are not allowed to change the station, and must sing out the verses, chorus, and final stanza as loud as they can, regardless of the occasion, the circumstances, and who is watching.

Item II: If at any time, one is to randomly come across the movie “The Shawshank Redemption” on network, basic cable, or satellite television, they must not change the channel, and must finish watching the movie regardless of any other predetermined shows they were already viewing.

Item III: If anyone does change the radio station, or flip TV channels in the middle of either “Bohemian Rhapsody” and/or “The Shawshank Redemption” they should be cursed with a lifetime serving of single-ply toilet paper and undercooked airline food.

This is a rule that should not be broken, and if it is, well curse be to the uncultured swine who has no respect for two things created in the modern-day renaissance. Obey this rule, and life will be grand.

I was going to say superb, but a kid with a temporary lisp has a hard time typing that.

What do you think?

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