Sunday, September 30, 2012

The Perfect Ending

Today I’m teaching a girl how to break up with a guy.

That got you hooked didn’t it? If you’ve been keeping tabs on my life thus far, you know that I haven’t been the best at ending relationships. Of course I am referencing the infamous text-gate blunder of ’11, which put a sour taste in everyone’s mouth. This link might refresh your memory if you don’t remember that pathetic gaffe that I made.

Despite that courting error, I do fancy myself to be someone that can offer insight and perspective on how people work, and what they will respond to. I’m fascinated with human behavior and why we do certain things in our lives; what kind of responses will be given in conflicting situations between men and women who are just beginning or ending a relationship.

With that being said, I developed a break-up formula that in my opinion is foolproof, cannot be beaten, and will withstand anything when put to the test. For the sake of my friend in dire straits, I even decided to do a 24-hour run through to help her get accustomed to what was going to be happening to her once the curtains were raised. (A little background info, my dear friend The Italian RN, who by the way is awesome, has been on-again/off-again with a specimen we shall call Saul. He’s a loser, she’s better than he is, they need to go their separate ways, especially because long-distance relationships never work out well).

And with that, I give you what is known as the dating decimation process, or what is also called, “The Perfect Ending”.

Step 1/The Warm-Up: For a period of 45 minutes minimum, the Italian RN and her roommate need to go through and discuss all of the irregularities and moronic tendencies that Saul has. His laziness, his obsession with Wookie outfits, the fact that he hasn’t brushed his teeth and that giant black bean is STILL stuck to his right incisor, all of these give evidence to break up with someone. Yeah, I know, he’s a loser. This discussion will give her the emotional reasoning that he’s not worth her time (which he’s not), and that she’s better than him (which she is), and that she needs to find a guy who actually brushes his teeth.

Step 2/The Cut: This is the make or break/most important part of the entire process. This consists of a phone call that needs to stay under three minutes max, in which she delivers the final blow telling him that she’s just not that into him. The longer the call, the more time that doubt has to play a role in reversing one’s decision. It has to be quick, painless, and to the point, like a circumcision. This will leave him hanging (pun intended) and grief-stricken over what has happened. Following the deliverance, a third party must play a role in calling her attention away from him; a call waiting, or a doorbell. Something has to lure her away from him. Once it does, the call ends and the hard part is over.

Step 3/The Rebuttal: Following the blow, Saul will be looking to counter her delivery. This consists of phone calls, voicemails, novel-sized text messages, heartfelt songs about their relationship, angry tirades at 1:30 in the morning about how he’s better than she is, (which he’s not), all of these in an attempt to win her back. Once someone ends a relationship with another person, the victim goes through a grief cycle that consists of remorse, attention, and anger. Rinse and repeat. The delivering party must hold their ground, not give in to any forms of communication, and hold their heads high.

Step 4/The Grieving: This is where rocky road ice cream, BFF’s, and chick flicks all come into play. No matter how lame the opposite end of a companionship is, both sides do miss them. The quirks and unique traits about them are all focused on. She will miss the good things, not the bad things. So what if he’s obsessed with Star Wars and hasn’t been to the dentist since he was 11, he had such a sweet smile, and was a great kisser. It’s at this point when replacement stimulants such as sugar and booty calls play an integral role in forgetting the other person.

Step 5/Moving on: There are always greener fish in the sea, that’s what they all say. Someone else is out there looking for you and fits you perfectly Italian RN, so don’t fall victim to the “what are we?” conundrum that millions of couples surrender to after giving up hope (any Royal out there remembers the Megan Zito-Bryan Hutzley debacles that littered our senior year). Move on, find someone new, and get on with your life.

And that kids, is the formula for a perfect breakup. Think you have a better recipe?

What do you think?


  1. No, but Streptobroccus and the Italian RN in the future I see.

  2. bahahahah!!! you make me laugh brock!