Wednesday, September 12, 2012

On The Road Again

I’m sitting in the best three-legged chair that the Fresno City library has to offer; meanwhile my forearms keep getting adhered to the sticky substance left on this profanity-scratched table. This is however the most comfortable seat that I could find in a place that I believe is uninhabitable for cockroaches.

Yes kids, that’s right, I’m on the road again. Destination: Mexifornia. Or what some people believe to be the most liberal state in our country (And no, this isn’t a political blogpost). On the expedition so far I have traveled 553 miles, had a broken Spanglish conversation with a Grandma wondering where her donkey was (at least I think that’s what she said), been attacked by a colony of fire ants, and have eaten two of the most delicious platters of sushi that I have ever had the privilege of ordering. That’s Mexifornia in a nutshell.

It really hasn’t been that bad since I’ve been out here. Aside from the 97-degree temperature, the lack of drivers’ knowledge of the turn signal, and every other FM radio station playing the same Spanish quartet hit from 1997 over and over and over again. Now I’m not completely sold on this place just yet, this isn’t the type of atmosphere that I would raise my kids in. However, this isn’t nearly as disgusting of a place as say, Ogden, or even Roy.

Pause for upchucking of this morning’s room service.

The only real complaint that I have about this world once led by the Terminator is their drivers. Oh for the love of everything that is holy I hope and pray that the next person who takes office in this state will decide to completely restructure the Department of Motor Vehicles system and work on actually teaching their pupils how to not recklessly drive their cars, because in the four days that I’ve been on the roads here, I have almost met my maker not one, not two, not three, not four, but five separate times.

Statistically speaking, 8.3% of all accidents that occur on a monthly basis nationwide involve a driver with a Mexifornia driver’s license. True story.

I wouldn’t know where to begin if I were going to start listing the complaints that I have with their behind the wheel deficiencies. It could be their misinterpretations that a Ford F-350 does not fit in the same space as a Mazda Miata, the fact that they have never been told of the rule that slower traffic should merge to the right lane of the freeway, or again the usage of that little lever next to their steering wheels that informs the vehicles surrounding them which direction they plan on turning. Any of these would improve driving conditions in the great state of Mexifornia.

Aside from those blunders this has been a pretty interesting road trip, and has added yet another layer of thickness to my skin. Amidst the romantic dinners for one, the abundance of these new gadgets called ‘parking meters’, and the fact that my forearms seem to now be permanently stuck to this library table, I have enjoyed the few days in this great state. Whether or not I’ll be back, well that depends on if the Governator teaches these folks how to drive.

What do you think?


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