Tuesday, October 18, 2011

My Psychic Experience

I will say as a preface that this may be one of the greatest blogposts that I will ever write. This will be of epic proportions. This may generate more feedback than all of my Week of Sex posts combined! This, my friends, is the story of my psychic reading.

Let me back up for one moment to preface the grounds on which this entire post occurs. By the way, for full effect, download “Psychic Chasms” by Neon Indian from iTunes and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

Back to live action.

Currently I am on the western leg of the Arizona High School recruiting tour trying to convince students to come to my college. I was going to do a Week of Arizona blog, however I don’t think that it would have been as entertaining as the Week of Wyoming.

Right now I am in Sedona, Arizona, which is a beautiful, quaint little tourist town just outside Flagstaff. My evening plans were wide open due to the fact that I’m single and don’t know a soul within 400 miles. Minus the Swede. After an overpriced chicken enchilada, I strolled down the road and found a neon sign begging for my attention. Cue picture below.
Now I have never been to a psychic, but I have always been intrigued as to what occurs behind the purple curtains and misty crystal ball. This was my chance, and as I walked into the psychic reading store, I had my game face on, ready to challenge this supernatural superfreak. Biting my tongue, I paid the $35 for a 15-minute reading and walked into an 8x10 foot closet in the back of this perfumed domicile. It was at this point when one of the greatest lies I have ever told began to unravel from my lips.

For the record, let me just make the clarification that I am one heck of a liar. If you have read past blogposts, you know all about my dishonest achievements. I’m not proud of being an elaborate storyteller. This however was the best narrative that I’ve ever conceived.

Aarithika (Paid Psychic): “So, tell me about yourself sir.”

Swamp Thing: slightly blushing. “Well, I need to be honest with you. I kinda lied out there when I said my name was Justin. It’s actually Colby. I don’t know why I thought I should make up a name like that. Probably because I’ve never seen a psychic before. I’m a little nervous.” Cut to awkward giggling

Aarithika: smiling “Well, don’t be nervous. I’m here to help you.” Shuffling her cards, she asked me to select seven random cards from her deck and give them back to her. Meanwhile she began the interrogation process, while I began my fabrication.

Aarithika: “So, tell me about yourself Colby.”

Swamp Thing/Colby: Looking at the ground “Well, I’m feeling really down right now. I just moved out here from Virginia Beach, got a job with ADOT working with their I-89 construction. The reason I moved here was because I had to get away from Virginia Beach. There was just too many bad memories out there.”

Aarithika: Perplexed look across her face. “What kind of bad memories?”

Swamp Thing/Colby: “Well, the thing is, I used to be high up in a multi-level marketing corporation that helped people refinance their home loans. Things were going really well, until last year the entire thing just unraveled and went down the drain. Heck, I invested over $300,000 in the company, all gone.” Pause for dramatic effect.

Aarithika: “Oh my goodness Colby.”

Swamp Thing/Colby: Staring down at the shaggy mauve carpet “Add to the fact that the girl that I’ve been with for over seven years, decided that the guy she met in Texas on a business trip was a better lover than me, so she packed up her bags, and took our four-year old son back there to be with him.” Cue multiple sniffs as if holding back emotions.

Aarithika: Placing her shock hand over her open mouth. “Really?”

Swamp Thing/Colby: I yawned as she looked down at her cards to create dampening in my own eyes. Looking up at the ceiling, she could see a bursting of tears about to unload. “Yeah, and now I’m here in Flagstaff, working for some transportation company, wandering the streets at night, and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.” Cue blink to trigger the isolated tear rolling down my cheek.

Aarithika: Shaking head in dismay. “And now…”

Swamp Thing/Colby: “And now I want you to tell me what to do in my life, cause I’m plum out of ideas.” (And yes, I did use the word plum)

For the next ten minutes, Aarithika decided that her best alternative was to give me advice on how to live my life. “Fight for your child.” “Don’t give up on your relationship” she said. Intermingled with a few F-words scattered amongst her advice, but hey, I can take it. This lady didn’t even look at her cards while she gave me her advice on how to live my life. I thought she was a psychic, not a backseat driving mother-in-law

“But what about the Queen of Pentacles” I asked pointing down at the table. “What is she trying to say to me?”

Aarithika: “She says to get back with your girl.” Oh. Ok. Yeah, I can see that. Queen of Pentacles always want me to get back with fictional dishonest mates.

Swamp Thing/Colby: “Now I see the seven, the eight and the Ace, what are all of these saying?”

Aarithika: “They are saying that you need to let go of your past business venture, and that great things are coming your way. Are you looking to open something else up?” Oh, right! That makes sense. Seven and Eight equal 15, add the ace which makes it 16, and that’s how old I was when I first started…Cut the crap! Since when do those cards mean new business opportunities?!

Swamp Thing/Colby: Confused/perplexed/WTF look across my face. “Why yes? Yes, I am. How did those cards know about that?”

I would like to thank the Academy for giving me this award.

Aarithika: “They are all saying that you should continue moving forward with that. Big things are about to happen in your life in the business world.”

A few more minutes went by, her 15-minute timer went off, a quick handshake happened and I was back on the streets of Sedona laughing my guts out at the greatest performance that I have ever done, even besting the schizophrenic date extravaganza. This entire thing was a joke if you ask me! And yes I just hit the exclamation point a bit harder than usual! She’s not a psychic. She doesn’t know my life. I just fed her a colossal sham and she ate the entire thing up. Heck, if she was a real psychic, wouldn’t she have said, “Your name isn’t Colby or Justin, it’s Brock Bybee, you fool, I know who you are!”

But she didn’t. And she wouldn’t have. And I just sat across a table conning this old hag out of what she has based her entire meager career off of. But then again, she just conned me out of $35, but that’s neither here nor there.

Are psychics real? Are they fake? Are they one of the most ridiculously stupid things to have ever been created since “Jersey Shore” You’re dang right they are. And I just witnessed it. And if anyone out there is dumb enough to believe that they’re real, then take a pit stop at my house in sunny St. George and I’ll give you my own psychic reading. Minus the load of crock that sits in a stack of tarot cards.

What do you think?


  1. Bumble Bee, I'll do your next reading for $25.00
    Mystic Mike

  2. You lied about something else on here as well - when you were in Sedona, you did know at least one person within 400 miles (ME). Great article, BTW.