There's Nothing In The Purse! DON'T ASK!!!

I was going to write a romantic piece about the recent divorce from my Nissan Rogue, recounting all the memorable drives I had over the last few years and pull out some sentimental slop that turns most mothers mushy. But then I thought, you don't want to hear about my car. You want to hear about the time I sat on a bus next to a giant unconscious nose ring who was biting her lower lip in the middle of a dream about date raping a chicken. Yeah,...

Why We Need Women

Me: "Kaitlin Ruby, this Sunday School lesson is boring, I need a blog topic for today." Kaitlin Ruby: "Hmm...I think you should blog about the importance of women, maybe even specifically about me." For full effect, download "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Me: "So seriously Kaitlin Ruby, why are women so important?" I know that question sounds like one of the most misogynistic...

Damn You, Dalton Rosenberg

Text I received this afternoon: “Remember our friend ******? I just walked in my house and she’s on the floor spooning with some guy. And she’s being the big spoon. I’ll send her over to you next so you can get your little spoon fix.”                   First of all, who the heck spoons on the floor, a floor with really ugly carpet nonetheless? Second of all,...

Now That's Teamwork

I have spent many years trying to uncover the mysteries of the L-word. These have been years littered with after hours conversations, behavioral observations, and repeated viewings of the television show How I Met Your Mother. Again, I say that I have spent years trying to understand what it means to be in true L-word, because it has been a monstrous puzzle in my eyes. It has confused me, astonished me, and pushed me to the point where I have...

I Don't Speak Baby

I don’t understand your baby talk. There, I said it. For full effect, download “Walk Like A Man” by The Four Seasons and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. This afternoon while feasting over the American imitation of not-so-Mexican food with a couple of buddies, I felt like a sore thumb standing out in an Asian country unable to understand the discussion that was going on between them. You realize at this point...

That Sure Makes Life Grand

Earlier this week the Rhinestone Cowboy spoon-fed me a piece of humble pie while standing in the lobby of a bigwig hotel. "I like reading your blog, it's just...I think you could be more positive is all." If you’ll excuse me sir, I will now tuck my tail in between my pissed off legs and kindly exit the premise. For full effect, download “My Favorite Things” from the musical, The Sound of Music and play at maximum volume throughout...

That Will Burst Your Bubble

I feel very fortunate that I am not in possession of an addiction to coffee. For full effect, download “Don’t Kill The Magic” by Magic!, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. For the record, the current post you are reading is being written while I am sitting through an academic education session being hosted by a Math teacher from South Florida who has told our audience repeatedly that she has an obsession with...

That'll Shut A Kid Up

So my cousins were in full blown five-year old mode running and yelling and terrorizing every living thing within their sight. Their motives were only to push the envelope of annoyance as far as they could. Trust me, I remember what I was like when I was five, I know exactly what their intentions were.  Rather than scold them or yell at them or tell them to quit acting their age so the rest of us big-kids could focus on things like...

Love Is...

                  This is the part where you want me to tell you that this is going to be a romantic love story drawn out where I, the main character find the girl of my dreams, the girl out of my league, the girl who I have been pining over for the entirety of my young adult life. The part where I long for her, I work for her, I play the romantic games of cat and mouse, jump through the hoops doused...