Wednesday, May 28, 2014

How Much Does An Affair Cost?

Men love other men’s wives. True story. Why do you think we spend so much money on women that we will never ever settle down with?

For full effect, download “Going Up The Country” by Canned Heat, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

If you were to look at this from a research perspective, which is what most nerds who have fetishes for Star Trek do, you could actually calculate the amount of money spent per bachelor on women they never settle down with.

And trust me people, it’s more than you are thinking.

Let’s take 28-year old John Doe as our example for this study: an above average height, below average weight male who ranks a solid 6.7 out of 10 when polled by 100 random women. Say we use him as the example. Let’s estimate that John begins officially dating women at the ripe young age of 16 years old. Because John is slightly better looking than most young men are, he is able to establish a fairly decent rapport with the girls around him and proceeds to go on an average of 2.6 dates per month.

Now, if we are going to calculate the average cost of a date, we will be able to do this by going off of the cliché and ridiculously overused “dinner and a movie” scheme. Yes, there are the extravagant meals which he buys for ladies that are more expensive than your habitual Applebee’s 2 for $20 deal, but on the contrary, there are meals where he mooches off what is in his parents pantry and doesn’t spend a dime on the food she shovels in her own face.

With these numbers being considered, the average date for a 16-year old boy is going to cost an estimated $39.50. $22.50 for dinner at an average three-star restaurant, and $17 for two movie tickets. And no, we are not including drinks and popcorn in this calculation. Those are variables that would completely blow up our calculations. The same goes for the amount of gasoline he would buy to fill his old pickup truck, the cologne he purchases in hopes the fragrance will entice her in a romantic fashion, higher class restaurants that may be used for anniversaries/birthdays and the like, and any other odds and ends that can be classified as tactics/fees spent solely for dating purposes.
There must also be a few adjustments thrown into the calculation to make up for inflation costs, the increase in number of dates per monthly basis, as well as the quality of dates John Doe decides to go on. For example, as he matures and begins to take dating more seriously, he is going to increase the value of food that he purchases. Wendy’s for a 16-year old male is fine, Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse is not. However, for a 28-year old male, Wendy’s is not and shall not be accepted as a place to grab food before a movie. Unless of course the couple is in a serious relationship for longer than six months, but we are not taking those variables into consideration for this study either.
Therefore, to cater the numbers for this study and make it as accurate as possible, we need to adjust the number of dates that John Doe goes on by .1 for every year that he is in the dating pool. At the same time, a fair adjustment for the quality of dates would be on average $.50 per year.  We are also under the assumption that John is a true gentleman, and never ever allows the woman to pay for a formal evening that he plans, which actually is rule number 58 of the bro code.
I know your foreheads are hurting people, but hear me out on this. The results make me sick to my stomach.
Taking these figures into consideration, the number of dates he goes on, the amount of money he spends per date, and the number of years that he is in the dating pool, we are able to calculate that John Doe would be spending on average, $21,325.20 over the course of his natural adult life on other men’s wives until he finds the girl of his dreams.
At this point, you would think this guy would have had an affair once or twice.

What do you think?


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