Way Out in Butt Curse-Wording Egypt

Yeah, you read the title right. That’s what Google Maps is calling my current location.  For full effect turn your radio to an unclaimed AM audio signal and listen to static noise at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Kidding. Instead turn your Pandora station to “Country Hits of the 90’s” and listen to high-class artists such as Brooks & Dunn, John Michael Montgomery, or George Strait ramble on about ranches...

#FirstWorldProblems

For full effect, download “Tired Magician” by Lady Danville, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Muttonhead sitting next to me on the ski lift this morning: “Why can’t they make it so text messages just show up on your ski goggles while you’re wearing them? Seriously, I am so sick of having to take off my gloves, unzip my coat, pull out my phone, just to write the letter “K” back to my girlfriend. It is soooo...

My Greatest Sexual Slip-Up

This week it will be ten years since I joked about female genitalia in front of 1,500 people in church. Time sure does go by fast, doesn’t it? For full effect, download “The Show Must Go On” by Three Dog Night, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. When I say the word boob, I think based on the title of this post I'm falsely getting your hopes up that this will be yet another tale of when I accidentally felt...

28 Ways Not To Suck

I woke up from a dead sleep at 3 am this morning and had a rather deep epiphany about lessons I wish I knew about life. For full effect, download “Going Missing” by Maximo Park and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Every so often I think we all wonder about our past, where we came from, the choices we made, why we said and did certain things. We all get those pair of hindsight goggles put over our eyes that...

I Am The Bear

You can’t tell me that looking at the above picture doesn’t put a smile on your face. For full effect, download “Take A Bow” by Muse and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. I know what you’re thinking, this dipstick is going to try and stretch talking about a bear for 700 words, and there is no way in frozen Phoenix you’ll be able to stay focused on a blog about nicknames, but hear me out for a few more lines....

The Single Life

Keith: “You have plans this weekend?” Seizure Man: “Nothing really. Gonna go home, take a nap, go for a long bike ride. Sleep in. Golf 18 holes with some friends. Watch some college basketball, swim some laps, eat Café Rio with some friends, maybe see a movie, and cap the night off with a long run. You?” Keith: “I freaking hate you man. You and your single life. I would switch places with you in a heartbeat if I could.” Says every married...

Blogging With Keith

Swamp Thing: “So what we’re gonna do is write a joint blog as we’re driving home from this ridiculously long recruiting trip.” Keith Tronic: “How are you going to blog and drive?” ST: “You are going to type what I say.” KT: “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” ST: “You’re stupid.” For full effect, go to “Summer Hits Of The 90’s” on Pandora and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Kids, everyone...

Don't Be A Dick

When I was ten years old, Chase Larsen pinned me to the ground with a folding chair and said four simple words that completely changed my behavior: “You are so annoying.” It was in that moment where I came to believe that I needed to be a jerk to go somewhere in life. For full effect, download "Ramblin' Man" by The Allman Brothers and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. I say that being a jerk will get you somewhere...