Sunday, February 23, 2014


For full effect, download “Tired Magician” by Lady Danville, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

Muttonhead sitting next to me on the ski lift this morning: “Why can’t they make it so text messages just show up on your ski goggles while you’re wearing them? Seriously, I am so sick of having to take off my gloves, unzip my coat, pull out my phone, just to write the letter “K” back to my girlfriend. It is soooo annoying.”

You’re complaining that the device in your hand, the device that has access to more information than the government of Somalia does, a device that allows you to send a 140-character message to your cousin in India within a matter of seconds, a device that still has the game Flappy Bird on it, basically holds the same value in your eyes as a dead fish because it has not been engineered to be linked to the goggles that are pasted on to your fat folded face? 

First world problems muttonhead, first world problems…

Dipstick Uncle Dick: “I would have got home sooner but there was a 35-minute delay with my flight because of confusion with departures or something like that. I was getting so pissed just sitting there on the runway. Why couldn’t they just sort all their crap out and take off already? Why do you have to make me suffer?”

You’re right. Airlines should always cater to impatient pricks such as yourself. Never mind the fact that it’s taking you four hours to travel the same distance the pioneers covered in six months. Never mind the airline handed out complimentary martinis around the cabin for the half hour delay. Never mind you are literally FLYING IN THE FREAKING SKY! A modern day miracle! Life is just too hard when your schedule gets thrown off by a whopping thirty minutes.

First world problems Uncle Dick, first world problems…

Snooty Sara: “I wish they would give us a bigger fridge in the break room. It’s ridiculous that we have to pretty much pack all of our Gogurts and water bottles and tuna sandwiches in that tiny compartment. What, do they think all 11 of us are going to be able to fit all of our food in that 15-cubic foot fridge? I think not! AUGH!”

The fridge isn’t big enough? Are you curse-wording kidding me? You’re bringing in six figures at one of the laziest jobs on the planet. You sign documents for a living and will be banking on a retirement plan that could feed a Hungarian orphanage for three decades. You can afford 12-packs of Gogurts for crying out loud. Gogurts! And the most agonizing part of your life is that your work fridge isn’t big enough? Lady, there are people on this planet that don’t even know what a refrigerator is.  

First world problems Snooty Sara, first world problems…

Buddy returning from the bathroom at work: “I hate the way this building is designed, because every time I go to the john, I always lose service. It is SOOOO annoying. It just shuts off my service, I can’t even check my Facebook while taking a poo. This is so unfair.”

I hate it when architects and engineers design flawed structures that don’t take into consideration the Internet binge session that fat fellows such as you go on when emptying their bowels. That crime ranks up there with the Clinton sex scandal if you ask me. Why in the name of everything holy are you not able to update your Facebook status, Tweet a witty line to all eight of your followers, and swipe right on 17 potential make out sessions while you unload yourself on a porcelain potty? It’s crap I tell ya, pun intended!

First world problems you lazy dumper, first world problems…

This is the civilized world we all live in. A place where we catch up on our entire DVR and have nothing else to watch for a few hours. A place where not as many people as we thought commented on the link we posted to Facebook. A place where we have to put on pants so the pizza delivery guy won’t think we’re perverted. This is the world we have created, the world we embrace, and the world we complain about every single freaking day.

First world problems you lazy pieces of crap, first world problems… 

What do you think?


Post a Comment