Sunday, February 16, 2014

28 Ways Not To Suck

I woke up from a dead sleep at 3 am this morning and had a rather deep epiphany about lessons I wish I knew about life.

For full effect, download “Going Missing” by Maximo Park and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

Every so often I think we all wonder about our past, where we came from, the choices we made, why we said and did certain things. We all get those pair of hindsight goggles put over our eyes that make us wonder about who we are.

And who we were.

This morning at 3 am I got to thinking about past Brock. That goofy, uncoordinated, socially awkward pimple-pusher who used to get wasted on Mt. Dew and Lucky Charms. A kid who said far more ridiculously stupid things than present Brock, and for a brief time in his life thought Hawaiian shirts were a thing. Yeah, that guy. Laying in my bed I wondered about some of the advice I would give him, what life lessons I would want to teach him, pointers here and there I wish he would have known, and I will say there were a few “regrets” that I have.

And so I wrote them down. At 3 am with my eyes half shut, and my brain half functioning, I wrote the life lessons I wish I could teach past self about. And seeing as how there are a ludicrous number of posts flying around the Web that are entitled, “X-number of things that would save my marriage, or relationship, or yada yada yada”, I thought I would join in on the trendy crowd and make my own list of things that you can all count as freaking doctrine for all I care.

With that being said, these are the 28 things I wish past Brock would have known when he was 18. 

1. Nothing good happens after 2 am.

2. Attempting to beat Grand Theft Auto: Vice City is not the wisest way to spend 29 hours of your life.

3. Do a few extra crossword puzzles with Grandpa, Sportscenter can wait.

4. Don’t laugh at Ken Hendrickson when he tries to sell you life insurance.

5. Creating a Myspace account will not get you further ahead in life.

6. Double the amount of high-fives you give to people.

7. Get a Costco membership immediately.

8. Punching a hole in your wall after the 2006 National Championship is not the best idea.

9. Start writing your blog right now. Your kids will appreciate it.

10. New Year’s Eve is a highly overrated holiday.

11. Becoming incredibly skilled at NCAA Football 2004 is not worth your time. You should spend more time playing the piano. Trust me, the ladies will L-word that.

12. Talk to your Dad. Tell him who you are. He is proud to call you his son.

13. Waiting until 2013 to start watching Modern Family is a foolish decision.  

14. Listen much more than you talk. Seriously, people care more about themselves, than they care about you.

15. Make sure you don’t send a text message to break up with a girl.

16. Math 1050 may be hard, but don’t wait until your fourth time around to pass that stinking class.

17. Try and become at least halfway decent at Ping Pong. This may sound a bit odd I know, but you will play many more matches of this sport than you expect, and you’ll want to be able to hold your own on that table.

18. Start doing yoga. I promise you, it will be worth it in the long run. And no, people will not think that you’re gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

19. Don’t quote Zoolander to a girl who actually has an eating disorder.

20. Suspenders are very underrated.

21. Whenever someone asks you to sing Karaoke, make sure and do your drunk Brock version of “Bohemian Rhapsody” every single time, it will always be amazing.

22. This may make me sound like an old man, but start working on your chip shot right this second. Golf will soon become your closet obsession.

23. Don’t waste your time on Chelsee Hausauer.

24. Newer is not always better.

25. Dashboard Confessional should not be your inaugural concert.

26. Three movies you should not buy tickets for: The Benchwarmers, Bridesmaids, and R.I.P.D.

27. Start snowboarding now. Seriously, right now. Stop what you’re doing, go buy a snowboard, buy a helmet, buy a pass, and start shredding gnar right freaking now.

28. And last but not least, there are some people in your life that are going to take a lot of work on both sides to keep around. But trust me, they are so worth it. 

What do you think?


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