Sunday, September 22, 2013

May Techno Be Damned

I think I’m about to lose my mind.

You can go ahead and thank every single drop of Techno music for my sudden rush to the nearest asylum. 

For full effect, download “The System is Down” by Strongbad and the Burninators and play at full volume throughout the duration of this post.  And if by chance you have already heard “The System is Down” by Strongbad and the Burninators, let us both shed a tear for the passing of that great band. 

As of Thursday night I have new neighbors. And I honestly can’t tell whether or not they are a free-spirited group of Europeans, or if they are a couple of love-making robots, because for some reason there has been a constant bass beat permeating through my walls since the minute they unpacked their furniture. In the Southern words of Chris Thomas, “Dear Lord, I might have to break something.”

I thought one of the rules of buying a house, regardless of whether or not it was a townhome attached to a large unit, was that you were required to stop playing music for 24 hours a day, or at least keep your decibel levels below 55 out of common courtesy. Or wasn’t there a stipulation in their contract that said “I, the assigned tenant will actually grow up and realize that Techno Music is never, ever making a comeback and I will never play this disgusting sound until the day I die, or the government does have the right to seize and destroy my property.”

Seriously, this music is so distracting. In fact, it’s slowing me down as we speak.  Here it is a little after 3 am on what can be classified as Sunday morning, and I can’t finish this blog. I have been trying to pound out this post for over two and a half hours now but that music is being such an interference. Usually I can write a piece in under an hour, but to hear a never ending beat with some high pitched waves and some old school movie phrase like “The System is Down” playing nonstop almost pushes me to go FUBAR on their property. 

At this point I can’t figure out what kind of people are living next to me. Not to be racist, but is there a certain group of people that are born with a natural impulse to listen to bad music? Really though, who listens to Techno music ALL FREAKING DAY LONG?! In my head all I can picture is Quagmire and a group of Swedish women having a Woodstock-like love making session that will never end. That’s gotta be it. My neighbors are having a cartoon orgy.  

What do I do? Do I pound on their wall and tell them to shut off their new school tunes? Do I go and write a scathing letter about how their music is keeping me away from my beauty sleep and that they need to be respectful of their fellow neighbors? Do I call to the Home Owners Association and complain that my neighbors aren’t being courteous and will not stop playing their God-awful music. Do I retaliate their music with some other annoying sounds?

Wait, that’s it! What is the only sound in the entire world that is worse that Techno music? The sound of a baby screaming its face off because its four-hour old diaper hasn’t been changed and it’s giving its tushy a rash! I know that sound! I grew up with that sound! Heck, I used to dance to that sound in my sleep like it was my own Techno music growing up! That sound in itself is a huge reason why I have never “settled down”.

Alright people, send me your kids. If you have an annoying child who can drown out Techno music, I want to hear them. Their cries in the night for a feeding that you’re dreading more than a dinner with your in-laws are exactly what I need to hear. Your child’s screams are what I would now call “music to my ears”. Renting out your kid for a few days may be the only thing that will help me win this war. 

Otherwise, I might be breaking into their house in the next five minutes and going ballistic on their sound system with my cricket bat. 

What do you think?
12:38 PM