I think I’m about to lose my mind.
You can go ahead and thank every single drop of Techno music
for my sudden rush to the nearest asylum.
For full effect, download “The System is Down” by Strongbad
and the Burninators and play at full volume throughout the duration of this
post. And if by chance you have already
heard “The System is Down” by Strongbad and the Burninators, let us both shed a
tear for the passing of that great band.
As of Thursday night I have new neighbors. And I honestly
can’t tell whether or not they are a free-spirited group of Europeans, or if
they are a couple of love-making robots, because for some reason there has been
a constant bass beat permeating through my walls since the minute they unpacked
their furniture. In the Southern words of Chris Thomas, “Dear Lord, I might
have to break something.”
I thought one of the rules of buying a house, regardless of
whether or not it was a townhome attached to a large unit, was that you were
required to stop playing music for 24 hours a day, or at least keep your
decibel levels below 55 out of common courtesy. Or wasn’t there a stipulation
in their contract that said “I, the assigned tenant will actually grow up and
realize that Techno Music is never, ever making a comeback and I will never play
this disgusting sound until the day I die, or the government does have the
right to seize and destroy my property.”
Seriously, this music is so distracting. In fact, it’s
slowing me down as we speak. Here it is
a little after 3 am on what can be classified as Sunday morning, and I can’t
finish this blog. I have been trying to pound out this post for over two and a
half hours now but that music is being such an interference. Usually I can
write a piece in under an hour, but to hear a never ending beat with some high
pitched waves and some old school movie phrase like “The System is Down”
playing nonstop almost pushes me to go FUBAR on their property.
At this point I can’t figure out what kind of people are
living next to me. Not to be racist, but is there a certain group of people
that are born with a natural impulse to listen to bad music? Really though, who
listens to Techno music ALL FREAKING DAY LONG?! In my head all I can picture is
Quagmire and a group of Swedish women having a Woodstock-like love making
session that will never end. That’s gotta be it. My neighbors are having a
cartoon orgy.
What do I do? Do I pound on their wall and tell them to shut
off their new school tunes? Do I go and write a scathing letter about how their
music is keeping me away from my beauty sleep and that they need to be
respectful of their fellow neighbors? Do I call to the Home Owners Association
and complain that my neighbors aren’t being courteous and will not stop playing
their God-awful music. Do I retaliate their music with some other annoying sounds?
Wait, that’s it! What is the only sound in the entire world
that is worse that Techno music? The sound of a baby screaming its face off
because its four-hour old diaper hasn’t been changed and it’s giving its tushy
a rash! I know that sound! I grew up with that sound! Heck, I used to dance to
that sound in my sleep like it was my own Techno music growing up! That sound
in itself is a huge reason why I have never “settled down”.
Alright people, send me your kids. If you have an annoying
child who can drown out Techno music, I want to hear them. Their cries in the
night for a feeding that you’re dreading more than a dinner with your in-laws
are exactly what I need to hear. Your child’s screams are what I would now call
“music to my ears”. Renting out your kid for a few days may be the only thing
that will help me win this war.
Otherwise, I might be breaking into their house in the next five minutes and going ballistic on their sound system with my cricket bat.
