Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Can Somebody Get Me Some Drugs?


Me: “M! Help me! I need to think of something to blog about! What would make people laugh?!”

M: “Is that why you blog? Do you just write for other people?”

Shut the curse word up M, OF COURSE that’s why I blog! Isn’t that why most people blog in the first place?

For a good time, download “We Can’t Stop” by Miley Cyrus and play on repeat for a solid 17 minutes. Am I a sinner to say that I really like that song? Just because she’s a Lindsay Lohan/Madonna preemie, and that her music video looks like pure sin captured on camera does not mean that her music is low quality. I’m sure Billy Ray is shaking his head somewhere.

I also find it hysterical to see how many of you clicked on this post because a supplemental pic of Hannah Montana was attached to the link. Great tactic right? After all, how many 6'5"single white males comfortable in their own sexuality would post a picture of a now wrecked career of a former child star. 

This guy would.  

I’m sick. Don’t judge my lackluster writing because of the fact that my eyes are being propped open by shots of Nyquil, Carbamazepine, and Sudafed. Drug cocktails like that will make anyone’s writing look a little less quality than normal. Especially if my perspective is being altered by repressed memories of having my parents checking to see if I had a fever by shoving a thermometer up my ass. Don’t ask me where 80’s parenting got their ideas.

But seriously people, why am I pissing my panties in a panic trying to think of a topic to splurge over for around 800 words or so? Why does it matter that much? Is this really a priority in my life?

Dang straight it is. And for the record, I would have used a much more harsh word in that last sentence, but I’m trying to lower my volume of curse words used per paragraph, therefore reverting to Utah culture cursing. Plus who knows, I might have a junior high student or two out there reading this post. 

In all reality, and this is as honest as I am ever going to be with you, I do blog for your sake. I do care what you think. I do want to please you. My motivation is sadly sparked by how many likes and comments I’m going to attract with every single post I advertise on Facebook twice a week. And if I break double digits on a Wednesday night blog I can sleep soundly at night. Yes, my life is governed by the pathetically low self-esteem standards set by social media. 

Is that wrong? We all have some kind of motivation don’t we? Something that drives us, that makes us tick. Whether it’s the satisfaction of knowing that someone appreciates us digitally, or a double decker taco smothered in chocolate, every single person out there has some kind of motivation. And not to sound sexist, I didn’t use that last motivation to stereotype every woman carrying an unborn child, even though the majority of pregnant ladies love some type of outlandish edible concoction.

On the flip side of M’s question, am I writing for other people? In all reality, yes, I am. I write for you. And please, if you don’t like narcissistic statements made by egotistical bastards, just stop reading this paragraph put together by your very own home grown egotistical bastard right here. I write because I don’t want to let you down. I know that nearly all of us are byproducts of the cookie-cutter 9-to-5 mediocre lifestyle; which have highlights that include water cooler breaks to talk about fantasy football and the season finale of “Dancing With The Stars.”

But from my skewed perspective I get the feeling that my blog is a four-and-a-half minute break from the monotony that every single one of us classify as “life”.  Life is raw. It is dull. It can be viewed as a rerun of the same mundane events over and over again until our heads pop open with boredom. But this blog isn’t. And I don’t say that to pat myself on the back, but in all reality, this blog makes you laugh. It makes you think. It makes you question your own motivation, and even brings a tear to your eye every now and then. I write to escape the dullness that defines each and every one of our lives. I do in fact write for you.

So to answer M’s question, I am writing for you. No only to for the chance to have people personally inflate my ego and digitally compliment my eh…just above average way of telling a story, but also so I can get you to chuckle at the comical Mark Twain-ish way I describe having a thermometer stick out of my six-year old bum.  

Cause it’s my blog and I can say what I want.

Thank you Miley, now for the love of Mickey Mouse please go back to being Hannah Montana.                                                                                                           

What do you think?
5:33 PM