Wednesday, January 9, 2013

You're As Cold As Ice!

How in the curse word do you people survive the winter up here in Logan?!

For full effect, download, "She's So Cold" by The Rolling Stones and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

Honestly, I do think that the first nine years of my life have been blocked from my conscious memory. Those nine years of course being spent in a valley famous for cheese curds, stinky cows, and negative Kelvin temperatures. Seriously, you people must have some form of mutated skin coating that makes you immune to frostbite. Either that or you all have on more layers of coats than Adrian Peterson has rushing yards. I'm telling you, the underground Russian Parka business could make a killing in these parts.

It's so cold up here you can see your breath while sitting in the sauna at Gold's Gym. A place where your tongue gets stuck to the roof of your mouth like Flick's did to the flag pole in "A Christmas Story". A place where my running nose makes booger icicles when I walk outside. I'm not kidding, I had a medium-sized layer of frost on my sweater last night after only half a mile of jogging. You people are frost-bitten lunatics up here, I swear!

And what's worse is that you Cache Valley-ites don't even think it's that bad at all. You've become accustomed to this frozen madness. Your bodies are acclimated to the fact that your spit freezes before it hits the ground. When I think of "too cold to budge from the stockpile of blankets I'm laying in", you're thinking "Hey, who wants to go boating at Beaver Dam today?" What is wrong with you people?!

Logan Lady-"Oh yeah, it's not bad at all. In fact, this week has actually warmed up quite a bit."

Warmed up quite a bit? Lady, when the tear ducts in your eye sockets ice over to the point that makes it impossible to blink, that's a problem. That's not warmed up, that's Utah's version of Siberia.

Does the fact that your main highway still has a three-inch coating of frozen tundra give you any indication that it's too cold to survive up here? Or the concept that you have now lost half of all of your parking lots due to the fact that there are 25-foot piles of used snow being stocked up into black heaps by every major grocery store? One would think that Wal-Mart and Costco would be wiped clean of all bread, milk, and eggs, in preparation for the Snowpocalypse, but instead y'all are out here prepping for the sidewalk CaseLot sale of BBQ chicken!

For years I've been getting the same old questions from my family and friends, wondering why I've stuck with living in St. George, and how come I haven't moved back "home" to northern Utah. You want to know why, because in St. George I don't burn a gallon of gas every morning waiting for my car to heat up, plus I like the fact that I can comfortably wear a pair of shorts longer than 30 days out of the year!

Maybe the grinch in me is just getting a little too angry at this cold weather, I can in fact see this weather shrinking my heart two more sizes too small. But seriously, for the love of moving atoms can we please get a breath of warm air? Or at least a jump in temperature to the double digits? Otherwise, they're going to have to start filming the live version of Ice Age.

Plus I think Finch's face is still stuck to that flagpole.

What do you think?


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