Thursday, February 16, 2012

You Can Suck It

First of all, I would like to give a shout out to Liz, Ramen, Ryan, and President Syme for their assisted inflation of my potential online ego. Those positive comments from your side are what fuels my desire to keep posting. As well as increases the amount of time that I stare vainly in front of a mirror and regurgitate the lyrics to a Carly Simon one-hit wonder.

And yes, I probably do think that this song is about me.

For full effect, download “Cold As Ice” by Foreigner, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

Currently I’m somewhere in between Logan and St. George (I’m keeping this as generic as possible just for liability purposes). Today while on my travels I began talking to a young man or woman about what his or her future looks like, when out of nowhere they began venting their life story all over the plastic table we were seated at.

Generic Young Man or Woman: “I just want to get away from here.”

Swamp Thing: “Get away? Why? Don’t you like living here?”

Generic Young Man or Woman: “No, I don’t. I kind of don’t like living with my parents, they hit me a lot, and I gotta get away.”

Cue awkward silence.

Generic Young Man or Woman: “Yeah, the other day I came to work and I had to hide all of the bruises on my arms from where my Mom was hitting me.”

Cue extended awkward silence.

Generic Young Man or Woman: “Anyway, I gotta go.” And with that he or she left. Moments after their departure, a smirking elderly woman with an eye patch holding a mop in her hands came up and offered some advice for what had just happened.

Mop-Donning Stranger: “Don’t listen to them.” (Referencing the young man or woman I just spoke with.) “They’re not going anywhere in their life.”

Swamp Thing: “Umm…I’m sorry? What was that?”

Mop-Donning Stranger: “They’ve got nothing going for them, they just fail at everything they try. They will never be successful.”

Lady, you’re an over-the-hill janitor Cyclops who cleans up vomit and urine for a living, and you’re telling me that this young person is going to be a failure? What gives you the right to belittle someone who still has a fighting chance? Yes they may be embellishing a story about abusive parents, but how do you know that they are going to fail in life? You don’t! I should urinate all over this floor just for your insensitivity, and then make you clean it up!

…Is what I should have said.

But I didn’t. The One-Eyed, One-Broomed, Plump and Ugly People Eater was out of my sight even before I had a chance to unleash my fury upon her. And good riddance, I thought to myself. The world needs ignorant critics such as the mopping Cyclops just to fuel the desire for everyone else to work harder and become better people. You can go ahead and bring your janitorial lack of depth perception to the fight and we’ll shove it right back in your face.

I am Jack’s motivated clenched fists.

What do you think?


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