Monday, February 13, 2012

Valentines Day is a Crock!

So what if I'm regurgitating my old columns and turning them into blogposts. At least I'm being consistent with my writings and not updating my online family photo album every six months like every other single Mormon mother will be doing in June.

Suck on that, Half-Empty Buffalo, HA!

For full effect, download Ridin' Solo by Jason Derulo and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

I think that tomorrow will be one of the most depressing days in the history of the world. I'm referring to the day we will all experience, Valentine’s Day, also known by the much more appropriate name, Singles’ Awareness Day.

See the problem with SAD, ironic that the acronym is sad, is that if you don't have someone to love on this day overly bombarded by Necco conversation hearts and red and pink cardboard cutouts of Cupid, you feel like the No. 1 biggest loser ever created. You walk around seeing all the delivered flowers and romantic couples, and you can't help but feel like either vomiting or eating a boatload of ice cream to compensate for not having someone to say corny names like “boo-boo kitty face” to.

It's as if the whole world is pointing a finger at you saying, “HA! You don't have a significant other to surprise you with flowers, kisses and stuffed bears made out of chocolate. So I'm going to stand here all day making fun of you, you worthless, non-committal stay-at-home-on-a-Saturday-night-and-eat-Doritos-until-you-puke pathetic excuse of a wannabe Valentine lover!” Can you see how painful this must be to some people?

Why is there a holiday dedicated to being in love? This goes against everything moral and right that exists in the free world. Why can't there be a holiday focused on being single? Like National No Relationship Pride Day, that sounds like a pretty good holiday to me. We need a day where everyone just sits around and relishes in the fact that we all don't have to be involved with someone else and can just contently savor our singleness. Our non-commitment can be our gratification. Who's on my side for this idea? Probably everyone who won't be enjoying tomorrow's overly emphasized waste of a holiday.

See, the problem with Valentine’s Day is that no one wants to look bad in front of his or her peers, not having a lover to rely on during this stressful 24-hour period. In fact, according to, 15 percent of single women send themselves flowers just to appease their own loneliness and not look bad in front of their friends and family. How pathetic is that? That's like buying a boatload of candy on Halloween and sitting at home all night in a costume, eating yourself silly out of an old pillowcase. Why on earth would someone do such a thing? Because the Valentine gods mockingly scorn the fact that you are one pathetic loser. (LTT)

And what's even worse, the survey continued on to mention that about 3 percent of pet owners will buy something for their pets on Valentine’s Day. Do you see what this is doing to people? This holiday is damaging so many people's self-esteem that they try to compensate for lack of love by giving flowers, candy or a singing telegram to their pets. Are we that desperate? We must be to cater a candlelight dinner for our chihuahua.

Valentine's is a waste of money as well. You'll never know what you're going to get in return for the gifts that you give your significant other. I remember last year I pissed a couple hundred bucks down the drain buying a Pandora bracelet with all sorts of charms and medallions on it. And what did I get in return? A book that detailed the history of farting.

True story.

As my old roommate Matt so adequately once put it, Valentine’s Day is a holiday created by Hallmark to monopolize the fraudulent fondness that so many imitation couples create for themselves in order to not feel humiliated by the man-made monstrosity we know as Valentine's Day. According to Hallmark, around 1 billion Valentine’s Day cards will be exchanged this year. Talk about a waste of money. But hey, at least your loved one/pet/self will know that you care right?

I guess there are a few advantages to not having a girlfriend this year. As the rest of the lovey-dovey couples fawn all over each other and waste hundreds of dollars on flowers, expensive dinners and the like, I will be content to saving that money for a far greater purpose. Like buying the gallon of rocky road ice cream I'll be eating all night while the world mocks my singularity.

Either that or I'll go buy the second volume of the history of farting.

What do you think?


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