An Evil Woman!

You want to hear about the most malicious, serpent-tongued, vile creature known to man since Queen Medusa? I'll tell you. She's a delicate deceptionist who's dainty demeanor is nothing but a façade. She is a Mr. Hyde, Benedict Arnold, Genghis Khan, and Benito Mussolini all rolled into one. She's a creature who has a devil on both sides of her shoulders. Don't be fooled by her outward appearance. She may paint a picture of what is a supposed sweet...

Backwardsville Part II

Here are two reasons why I would never, ever, EVER live in Backwardsville, Utah. The local speed limit sign on the town's busiest freeway. Which in fact is a one-way dirt road. The town mayor. He, by the way is still stuck on what a juxtaposition is with Ten-Gallon Ted.The 324-mile, 22 and a half hour escapade was something that I will lock deep away into the "holy-crap-I'm-not-proud-to-admit-that-portion-of-my-life-occurred" vault of my subconscious....

Backwardsville

If my body is found in the next few days right next to nowhere, at least this post will give you some idea where on God's green earth I have been banished for an eternally long 24 hours. I am sitting on a dog-eared edifice of plywood, padding, and polyester in what is the most happening joint in all of town, Cowan's Home Cooking; Est. 1933. A massive crowd of one sly dog in a 10-gallon Wyatt Earp hat is sitting across the restaurant slaving away over iced tea and his own mustache. Rather than lose my sanity by reading the expired sugar packets...

Justifiable Lies

"Thou shalt not bear false witness."-Exodus 20:16"Thou shalt bear false witness, in certain circumstances or situations in which you might offend someone or piss off an ornery woman about her weight."-Brockiticus 20:6My girlfriend Jo and I have had an ongoing battle since our very first date. She hates lying, and often chastises me for my sporadic yet constant barrage of untruths being spun from the web of my own mouth. I on the other hand have often justified my dishonest vocabulary. I am a storyteller. I love to weave minute yet monstrous details...

Honky Tonk Women

There’s a song by Mick Jagger that gets to me. A song about drinking binges and paid-for pleasure on the streets of Memphis and New York City. The song is called “Honky-Tonk Women” and every time that it parades the airwaves, a flood of memories comes rolling back through my mind. Let me take you back to the time I was introduced to this prostitution ballad. I was 16, and working on the permit hours for my driver’s license. My Dad and I took...

People Watching

I enjoy people watching. It's the one pastime keeping me sane while I sit in Backwardsville and watch stalwart Wal-Marters scamper in and out of ******* High School. Here's an example of the few yokels that have walked past...A curly-headed acne-trampled senior in high school who is latched on to his mother almost in a PDA technique. A recruiter for an unnamed branch of the military who subtly picked and ate his own booger. A Humpback whale in tight...

The Man List

I'm currently half-sober. In a Mormon way. For some reason I was up until 3:45 this morning and had my 8:00 a.m. alarm screw everything up. With that being said, I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open. Therefore to accomplish this task I shall be creating yet another list. Hope y'all enjoy. I am extremely heterosexual. Yes, I watch Glee. Yes I see musicals. Yes I have 11 sisters. So what! I can repeat back the rosters of the last 10 NBA Champions. I can go to the gym and lift manly dumbbells. I can grunt. I can be that Gaston. Keep that...

The Greatest Creation

Would you like to hear about the greatest thing created since SPAM?Let me reminisce for a few moments to paint a picture for you. The year was 1994, I was a young 9-year old lad, just coming into blossom into the sports world. I had recently been introduced to the characters descended from Mount Olympus, that donned a Utah Jazz jersey and waltzed the hardwood floor at the Salt Palace; THE Stockton and Malone duo. To pass time, I had created a...

So long, Coach.

I'm at a loss of words for what has happened in the last 24 hours. One of the greatest minds in all of basketball, the raging John Deere inferno, with a whiteboard and dry erase marker on the sideline has stepped down, A man who has four-letter words littering his vocabulary. A man who I have seen smile only twice. A man as cold as stone, yet who had a heart that could take on the world. A man who has been the only coach of the team that I have...