Thursday, September 11, 2014

I'm Not Listening

You love giving me advice on how to get married. Every last one of you. And I in turn love to take it all in, nod my head like I'm in agreement, and then store it all away for an epic blogpost two years later.

For full effect, download chapter 8 of "Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. I suggest that text because it is the chapter that has been keeping me awake for the last, oh I don't know 45 minutes as I return from my journey out into the middle of nowhere, Utah and back.

Estranged family friend: "The thing is Brock, there are three ways to fall in love with someone. Physically, temporally, and spiritually. Once you have all three, then things will work out just fine. That's what I would counsel you to do.”

Thank you random stranger working on your fourth marriage. I appreciate you passing on such benevolent words of wisdom that you're obviously not taking into consideration yourself. How are things going with your current soon to be ex-fourth spouse born two decades later than you? Why, the fact that you’re abusive, 30K in debt, and haven’t been a member of any organized religion for the past 15 years really shows how well you listen to yourself.  

Passerby in Harmon’s three weeks ago: “See, your issue is that you aren't willing to accept the baggage that someone brings to a relationship. You think you're all perfect and you can handle anything, but when someone brings something tough to a relationship you back out like a sissy.”

I completely agree that everyone has baggage, myself included, and a key to a successful relationship is loving someone despite the leftover debris they bring to the table. But it's hard to take you serious when you won't love the stepson your wife brought into the fold when you two hooked up. I know he's not your own blood, but I think you're a bit of a hypocrite for calling me out when you've got a piece of luggage sitting on your own table that you’re refusing to claim, buddy.

Ball-hog in Gold’s Gym: “The best advice I can give you is that no matter who you settle down with, you need to treat her like a queen. Period. The End. She is your one and only priority. Your everything. Never look down at her ever.”

Valid point sir, valid point. I admire your words and your actions. Especially when you roll your eyes and shake your head when your phone goes off in the middle of a pickup game and you pause to say, “Sorry boys, it's the old ball and chain.” Even better when you send me text messages asking me to take you to dinner because you just have to get away from “this old hag next to me who’s stuck on Pinterest.” I applaud your efforts.

Middle-aged critic who I see on Thursdays: “Brock, I think your issue is that you pay too much attention to physical attraction. Looks are great and all, but when it comes down to it, being physically attracted to someone doesn't really mean anything and it isn't a valuable part of a good marriage. Those shouldn’t be a factor in deciding who you want to date or marry.”

If being physically attracted to a woman plays no part in a successful relationship, then why do you have a closet addiction to pornography that you're keeping ever so hidden from the woman you care and love so much? Is that just a side hobby like collecting stamps or golfing, or are you living out your carnal life online, confirming the law that everyone always wants what they cannot have?

I've heard just about everything. From promptings to proverbs, to chastisement and critiques. Some of it I believe, some of it I laugh and stow away for blogposts later on in life. I thought I had heard it all until last night over Thai food I heard some of the most memorable keys to a successful relationship  of all time.

Thai Savant: “Brock, the best thing I can tell you is to find someone as equally gross as you are. Not to say that you yourself are disgusting, but I think the best relationships are found when both sides don't gross each other out. When they're content with each other's bowel movements, ya know?”

I must say, more pure words have never before been spoken.

What do you think?

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