Sunday, December 29, 2013

Your Two Cents

You’re a funny audience to read, you know that?

For full effect, download “Two Weeks” by Grizzly Bear and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

I know I say this blog is for my future kids, an online recording that holds the tales and the opinions of the grumpy old man they call their Dad. However, I must say that for the time being as I post these clusterfests on the Internet and showcase them using my Facebook feed, this blog really is for you. For all of you classy gents and ladies out there who take five minutes out of your day to read something that hopefully has a sarcastic enough punchline/moving message at the end that will put a smile on your face and push you to compliment me in the milk aisle at Wal-Mart.

Thomas: “Dude, I love your blog!”

Me: “Dude, I love your guts. Now let’s go eat Jell-O.”

When I say you’re a funny audience, I mean that I don’t know how to please you. And please, do not read that last sentence with a Ron Burgundy frame of mind, because that is not the direction I’m headed with this post. When I say I don’t know how to please you, I mean I don’t know what will keep you coming back and reading this meager chunk of the Internet I’ve been using for the last three years and counting.

That was of course, until last week.

Over the course of the last fourteen days I have seen two of my highest-rated posts come to fruition on this site. And thanks to Blogger analytics, they are two of the highest-read posts I have ever witnessed. Coincidentally, those two posts were a war of words between two very passionate people standing on both sides of the fence when it comes to relationships.

Now there is no reason to divulge how many of you knuckleheads took time out of your day to scroll down this page and read my thoughts, however, I must say that I was flattered, nay, floored, nay, shocked and awed at the number and variety of people who came out of the woodworks to voice their opinion on why people are married, and why people are not.

And when I say variety, I mean everyone.

Friends, enemies, random drunks, next door neighbors, old Sunday School teachers, BFF’s, Not-so-BFF’s, complete strangers, high school crushes, movie stars, students, ex-girlfriends, coaches, heck, my dead Aunt Barbara visited me in some spooktacular Russian nightmare to throw her own opinion at me on the pitfalls of not having a spouse. All of you came out of nowhere to toss your two cents my way on why I should be single, and why I shouldn’t.

And I appreciate that.

Really, I do. I am grateful that every one of you takes time out of your day to click on links I post with an attached .gif of Neil Patrick Harris. I am thankful to have people such as yourself who don’t just skim over my blog and treat it as spam clogging up your Facebook feed. Fortunate isn’t the right word to describe how I feel when this page is shared and takes a mini-viral swing amongst you. I am lucky. And I thank you for that.

However, all of this hoopla about random subjects leads me back to the original observation I had at the beginning of this blog. I repeat, the past two posts were some of the most widely read/highest rated creations I have ever pasted on the Internet, and interestingly enough, they were both dealing with my love life. Coincidentally, going over the top 100 highest-read posts I have ever written and published on Randomity, 57 of them were about my love life. 57 posts were about my bad dates, my life as a bachelor, and about my quest to find my own girl with a yellow umbrella.

57 posts were about my battle with the L-word.

Now I know at times I come off as a narcissist who likes to poke fun at the fact that I’m still living the single life, and at the same time do enjoy recounting to you my bad breakup stories and philosophical impressions regarding the concept of marriage. But with that being said, all of this data, and the likes, and the shares, and the comments, and the high volume of readership, and the late-night compliments on the milk aisle in Wal-Mart lead me to wonder one simple question.

Why is my relationship status so entertaining?

What do you think?

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