Sunday, December 22, 2013

This Is Why You Are Not Married

Last week I posted a rant that in the history of my blogging career was one of the highest rated and most popular posts I have ever written. To sum it up in a short sentence, you freaking loved it.

If you were single.

If you were married…well, you had different thoughts as to who was right and who was wrong, and you all voiced your opinions very passionately. I appreciate that. One of the most notable voices in this feedback was a married friend of mine, Marshall Perkins, who asked to be a guest blogger on behalf of the married community and share his thoughts on what is wrong with being single in today's world. Out of respect for him, and those who felt disgruntled after last week’s post, I granted him full access to rip our single lives to shreds. 

This is what he had to say: 

Dear Single People, 

I don’t get you. Seriously. You make no sense in my mind. At least when it comes to finding any kind of justification as to why you aren't wearing a metal band on your finger. 

By the way I am not going to ask for some type of background music to accompany this post that Brock usually adds for the "full effect" because frankly I want utter silence to be the backdrop as to what I have to say. 

What do you think Marriage is? Do you think it's some nonstop romantic getaway where all we do is sit around and confess our love to each other? Do you think it is some six-day romp of sexual fantasies, or romantic getaways/skiing trips to Park City, squeezing weeklong cruises to the Bahamas in between all of this? Do you think it is one gigantic vacation of love from start to finish? Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's not that at all. 

Marriage is tough. Marriage is hard. I know those aren't the two adjectives you are looking to hear from someone who technically is pushing through the "Seven-Year Itch" phase in his own marriage, but I'm being brutally honest with you. Marriage is the most difficult, most enduring, most frustrating event that will ever take place in your entire history, and more often than not will leave you speechless and looking for answers. Sorry to burst your bubble, but welcome to real life. 

I think a problem you have is that you are on some kind of quest to find the "perfect spouse", or "The One"; someone who has absolutely no flaws whatsoever. But spoiler alert, there is no perfect person. There is no “one” that you are supposed to be with. There are no 10's, or 9's. Heck, 8's are few and far between. The chances of you ending up with someone who cooks, cleans, communicates, has no anger issues, and has a body that Erin Andrews is jealous of are nearly impossible. You think you’re going to find a perfect ten? Ha! Good luck!

On the flip side, what makes you think you deserve a ten when you're probably only a 6.5 at best? Sorry to speak the truth, but you are average. I know that word sounds harsh and cruel, but I am just telling it like it is. You are not some hidden gem with untapped good looks, ridiculously intelligent conversation skills, a six-figure salary, and the ability to 
shut down Orrin Hatch in a public debate. You are mediocre, you are adequate, you are ordinary just like everyone else. So get off of your own cloud nine, and face the realistic/unpretentious facts.

May I ask, are you sitting back waiting for God, or Allah, or whatever spiritual being you believe in to just place a perfect spouse in your lap? Are you waiting for the stars to align somehow that will allow you to make eye contact with that one girl across the room, and sparks will fly and yada yada yada you will finally have that epic romantic event to tell your kids? That’s a load of crap! If you want some swan song/love story to tell your kids about the day your met your spouse then fine, go hire a movie producer and live the rest of your life alone, because the chances of that actually happening are about as good as Lebron James coming to play for the Jazz.  

I think a lot of you blame your culture as an excuse to why you're not married. When really it's not the culture at all. The bottom line is that you are just too scared to commit to somebody. You are scared to open up your life to another person. You are scared to have arguments with someone you share a bed with over finances, or career options, or ways to raise a child. You are petrified with fear and you hide that terror by blaming the culture you live in as the reason why you haven’t “settled down” just yet.  

Why can’t you commit? What is the problem with “settling down”? Why do you have to think the grass is always greener on the other side? Because the bottom line is that the grass is pretty dang green right where you're sitting. You think this amazing person is somewhere out there and that your paths just haven’t crossed yet? Ha! Quit pretending to be Fivel and face the facts that they are probably sitting right in front of you this very minute and you're too dumb to look at them and realize they are actually the one you've been waiting for. 

I have single friends ask me all the time what marriage is. And I always rehearse the same lines right back to their confused faces. Marriage is pain. Marriage is hard. Marriage is disagreements over behavior, and restless nights on the couch. Marriage is farting contests, and burnt pizza, and sinks full of dishes. Marriage is realizing that I am not the most important person in the world, and coming to the glorious realization that my wife is. Marriage is a massive concoction of long hugs, flat tires, fresh cut flowers, dirty laundry, chick flicks, back massages, blood, sweat and tears all rolled into one legal document we both signed seven years ago.

And to be perfectly honest, I’ve loved every second of it.

Yours truly,

Marshall. A happily chained-up man.  

What do you think?

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