Friday, July 5, 2013

We Are All On Drugs

Is there a doctor in the house? I think I'm starting to hallucinate.

For full effect, download from iTunes any song composed and performed by Bob Marley and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.  After all, 83% of his songs were about the psychedelic experiences he had from an intoxication of marijuana.  Isn't that right, Toni?

I would also like to add that I'm barely wrapping this post together by the skin of my teeth.  My ideas are running on fumes. And based on the fact that I have had more big kid crap hit the fan in the last week of my life, I don't know if I'll even be able to finish this post.  But then again, who even cares anyway?  After all, blogs are only read by people who used to dance the Charleston during Prohibition.  And what's even better is that half of you reading this have no idea what that last sentence even meant.

Drugs are bad kids, don't take them.  Unless of course there was a point in your life when you would unconsciously wet your pants during basketball practice and on blind dates, or black out at the bottom of Baker Reservoir, thus invoking a skilled man with a scalpel named House to slice you open a few times, then by all means take as many drugs as you need to in order to make your life as "normal" as possible.

Now I'm not so nervous about injecting a foreign form of assistance into our bodies with the hopes that our lives will be made that much easier.  It's the side effects that get me. And you know the list goes on and on for days about what "potentially" might happen if you take the most recent FDA-approved form of Viagra.  Go ahead and YouTube some drug commercial and listen to the narrator lose his breath by reading on the unending list of side effects meanwhile some geezer is flyfishing in some river by a sunset.

Tom Selleck V.O.: "Side effects may include memory loss, dehydration, mood swings, manic depression, change in urine temperature, hair loss, reaction to toenail fungus, nausea, heartburn, upset stomach, indigestion, severe diarrhea, itchy scalp, herpes, overly sensitive nipples, headache, joint stiffness, intestinal rash, smallpox, athlete's foot, E.bola, suicidal thoughts, chattering teeth, temporary blindness, severe cases of the Munchies, and an appreciation for the band Creed."

Why am I supposed to take your seizure medication and prepare to have my body possessed by every unsolved medical mystery created since the Black Plague?

The point is...well, I guess there really isn't a point to all of this.  I'm going to be honest, this was not my most entertaining blogpost.  Eh, who am I kidding?  This post was a joke.  I'm so fresh out of ideas and slammed to the wall with all these "adult" decisions to make in life that I write a blogpost on the aftermath of Rogaine?  If you're actually still reading this, I am so very sorry.  I have let you down.  You deserve something much, much better.  Hopefully by Sunday morning I can get my head together and actually write some motivational/moving post about the true meaning of life or something like that.

But a post about the side effects of drugs?  What the heck was I thinking?

What do you think?

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