Seeing as how it’s the middle of July, and this month the majority of our nation is out shooting off fireworks to recreate our country’s infamous battles against the redcoats, meanwhile a bunch of weirdos in Utah are eating potato salad and taking the 24th of July off for some weird crossing the plains reason, I would just like to make a small statement regarding one thing I am so grateful about this sweet-smelling land of the U.S.A.
I am so glad we suck at soccer.
For full effect, download “Mmm, mmm, mmm” by Crash Test Dummies and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.
Before you go all Patriotic and start throwing out cruel accusations that I’m from Canada or something Barney Stinson like that, hear me out on this. I L-word the land of the free and the home of the brave. I embrace backyard BBQ’s and weekend carnivals. I tear up when reading about the monumental moments our forefathers made when signing the Declaration of Independence. Heck, I even proudly sang the Star-Spangled Banner at a couple basketball games. But should I daresay the one thing that irritates me just slightly is how arrogant we all are for living in this great nation?
And you have to admit, we really are one of the most egotistical empires in the history of recorded Earth. We’re worse than the pyramid-building alien-worshippers in Egypt, or the blood-thirsty, idol-following freaks in Rome. I would even put us as a more arrogant group of people than the army who followed Genghis Khan. Yep that’s right, a nation led by a man who killed over 40 million people and had an addiction to Twinkies because he loved the sugar rush was not as stuck up as all of us over here in the U.S. of A.
If we’re going to talk metaphorically, and I think all of us like to talk metaphorically simply because we get to picture some funny looking scenario in our heads that drives the point home even further, I would say we are the big brother sitting at the dinner table who always has to one-up the competition of our little brothers' accomplishments when the grandmaster Tyrannosaurus Rex playing Dad asks us how our day went. And yes, I just used a T-Rex to play the role of Dad at the worldwide dinner table. Who else would it be?
T-Rex: “So kids, why don’t you tell me about your day?”
Russia: “Today I win 82 medals at London Olympics. I think it pretty good day.”
US: “Oh yeah, well I won 104 medals! Even beating Great Britain and China too! So there! See Dad? See how awesome I am?”
Yep, that’s us. The low self-esteem nation that has to make fun of a country who rehydrates with vodka instead of Gatorade.
But back to the main point about why I’m glad we are awful at soccer. It’s because it shows we have a little chink in our armor. And please don’t misinterpret that last sentence as racist. I know I’m mocking other nations here, but I won’t go that far. Being bad at soccer means that at least every other country knows they’re better than us at something. They may not have developed indoor plumbing, visited the moon, created Title 9, or watched a movie on their cell phone, but at least they can kick around a ball better than we can. And seeing how this is the most widespread sport in the entire world, that’s a skill they can always hang over our heads.
And I won’t mind being awful at this game for the next 100 years or until Will Smith becomes a robot and starts playing in the English Premiere League. The thing about being bad at soccer is that at least it will give us a tiny taste of humility. Almost like we’re the unpopular Jamaicans in “Cool Runnings”; minus the fact we’re not sucking at a waste of a sport like Bobsledding, and instead being terrible at the most popular game to ever be created.
Somewhere out there, our T-Rex father figure is shaking his head.