Friday, June 7, 2013

She's Out Of Your League

Let this be a proclamation to any member of the male gender that is searching earnestly for a potential mate.

Stay away from my little sister Jade, ya hear?

Now don’t be confused, this isn’t the part where the overprotective big brother inside me takes you into my office, shows off the collection of dead animal trophies littering my walls while I massage my .357 Magnum and warn that if you ever make this little girl of mine cry, I swear to high heaven I will break a bone in your body for every tear that she weeps.  No, it’s actually the complete opposite.  I’m doing this because I feel you need a word of warning about going after my little sister.  Because I’m telling you, this girl is only a shopping cart full of troubles. 

And when I say troubles, I mean that there is no way in frozen Hell you are going to keep up with her.  For instance, say when you go out in public together and you see every other man (and a handful of women) around you become entranced with her ridiculous good looks.  When people are gawking at her beauty faster than you can blink, what are you going to do then?  This girl turns heads without even trying.  She’s got a face that makes Neil Patrick Harris question his own preferences, and you think you are going to be able to handle this?

Or how are you going to feel when she unintentionally makes you look like less of a man in everyday situations?  I say this because I think your boyhood is going to be a little more shriveled once you see her outperform you on so many levels.  Whether it’s outworking you at any job she’s been assigned, learning a second language, or knowing how to raise a family, cook you dinner, maintain a landscape, and sing the second verse of "Shenandoah" a cappella all without breaking a sweat, she can do it.  This girl has been a victim of middle-child syndrome in a household of women and survived and conquered it all.  You don’t think she can’t outhustle you at any task possible?

All I’m saying is she’s way out of your league. Seriously, WAY out of your league.  If you know how to road trip between two countries your entire childhood without a father figure whatsoever, and do it all with a drop-dead gorgeous smile on your face, then you might stand a chance.  But by that point she will have already lost interest and moved on to more important things in life like getting a PhD in European History, or becoming the highest paid teen model. You are really not worth a second date in this girl’s book. 

And if you think you have the slightest chance of getting into some kind of Facebook status-changed relationship with her and potentially tie her down in the next eleven months or so, well, think again.  She’s already mentally checked out of any serious commitment with the anticipation of teaching the gospel to anyone who will listen to her in about a year or so.  This girl is tougher than snot and can’t wait to live in a cave in Fiji for 18 months just to help other people.  She’s dedicated, knows what she wants to accomplish, has a desire to serve the Lord, and you think a box of chocolates and a late-night guitar solo are going to woo her away?  I’m telling ya buddy, you’re a waste of time for this girl. 

I’m saying all of this because I’m really nervous for what is about to hit the fan.  After all, she’s going to graduate from high school in about thirty minutes, and from that point on we’re all in a world of trouble for how awesome she’s going to be.  At times, the annoying big brother inside me comes out to play, and jokes with her that secretly we all know she’s adopted.  Her hair alone should give a slight indication that somehow the nurses switched her out when she was born.

But the more time I spend with her, and the more I realize what this girl is going to accomplish, the potential that she has, the more I know that she is way out of anybody’s league. 

What do you think?


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