This week is a man's version of Black Friday.
For full effect, download "Madness" by Muse and play at full volume throughout the duration of this post, which might I add is a far better tune than that "One Shining Moment" garbage that CBS plays once the nets are cut down.
For the record, if you're a woman reading this post I would strongly suggest closing this window and going back to your Facebook feed, for this has nothing to do with my awkward dating stories, social media trouncing, or my continuing search for the girl with the yellow umbrella. This post is as manly as they come, and the majority of females reading this will be bored by the end of the next sentence.
This is without question the most wonderful time of the year. It's better than Christmas. In fact, it is Christmas. It's my Christmas. It's the time of year when brackets are photocopied and sent around the office so that all of the male sports gurus can give their "expert" opinion on who will survive. This is the most cutthroat time in all of sports. And I L-word every minute of it.
March Madness is the most legal addicting drug that every man should go right ahead and splurge on every single year. It's the time of year when we use up our sick days meanwhile laying in the same position on our leather couches for four days in a row wearing nothing but sweat pants and Cheetos. It's the time of year where we actually invest emotional attachments to teams like North Dakota State, or Akron University. March Madness is the religious holy grail in all of sports.
Just think about the beauty we have witnessed over the years. There were the glory days of the Duke Blue Devils in the 90's, and into the 2000's for that matter, the classic Cinderella runs of Gonzaga, George Mason, and VCU, the game winners by Kemba Walker of UCONN, and near game-winners/heartbreakers by Gordon Hayward of Butler. March Madness has it all; upsets, OT thrillers, legendary coaching duels, the Western Kentucky mascot, all of which has Dick Vitale commentary on the side. You can't beat it!
The thing that makes college basketball so unique and so valuable is the emotional levity that every single game carries. The game means so much more to the players, and you can see it in the tears they shed after a loss. In the pros it's not like that at all. You lose a game, eh, so what? You still have to lose three more before you're finally down for the count. In college basketball if you lose one game, that's it. Peace out. Pack your bags, and don't come back. If you win, you survive. If you don't, OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!
I have a hard time trying to imagine what the world was like before March Madness. It was probably empty, dull, and boring, kind of like the plot line to a Michael Bay movie. What would people do in the greatest sporting month of the year? Twiddle their thumbs and watch spring training games from the Grapefruit League? Spare me the monotony please. March madness is that extra scoop of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream that our cute waitress Betty so generously gave us for dessert. And we get it every single year!
And so it begins again. The most sober sports intoxication that we all can get wasted on for three weeks and 67 games. Never mind if I have mentally checked out of all personal responsibilities until the beginning of April, I have an excuse, and so do you; a hardwood floor strait jacket that we should all warmly welcome with open arms every third week in March.