Friday, March 22, 2013

A Blog About Nothing


Sometimes when it’s well after 1:08 in the morning, and Dances With Wolves is playing on IFC in the background, I’ll just stare at a blank screen for a few hours and be stuck trying to figure out what random subject I’ll be hacking at with my cynical wit this week.

You’ve seen Dances With Wolves haven’t you?  You haven’t?  Oh, you saw Avatar instead?  Which was basically Dances With Wolves in space?  Gotcha. 

Times like these come every so often.  I think it's what those professional gurus call "writers block"; where ideas are swirling around in your head and all you can think about is going to Wendy's and ordering fries and a frosty.  Yeah, I think that's where I'm at right now.  For some reason I'm at a standstill, I've hit the wall, have nothing to go on.  I'm two lines in and keep getting distracted by Kevin Costner dancing around in South Dakota. 

But I can’t let you down can I?  After all, this blog is going to be the most amusing part of your day isn’t it, aside from your Instagrammed pic of that ugly black dress your friend wore with brown shoes? That was hideous, wasn't it?  This is the part when you let a smile creep across your face and exhale strongly out of both nostrils at the witty remark I just made mocking your social media fashion frenzies. 

Seriously though, I’m all out of ideas.  It’s been over three years, 391 posts, over 10,000 page views and I haven’t let you down just yet I would say.  I’ve produced some pretty quality stuff over the years haven't I?  Posts about marathons, killing dragons, redneck boxing matches, and 90’s mating rituals, so why for the life of me can I not think of some stupid topic to riddle with sarcasm and Family Guy-esque metaphors that will make you laugh for a good 90 seconds?

On my phone I have a list of, I don’t know, 400 random topics (hence the blog title) that I’ve jotted down to pull ideas from and write a solid 700-word post on the spur of the moment.  They range from liberal folks with hyphenated last names, to Diet Coke being the methamphetamine of obese women over 30.  But an idea has its limitations, its drawbacks.  Many times there are only a few puns I can pull from it, and there really isn’t going to be some moral victory found in the last sentence.  Therefore it will only remain JUST an idea. 

But there are other topics to pull from, I know that; topics that will make you laugh, make you cry, and will stir up every other emotion in between.  However you’re probably tired of hearing me rehash the humor of being a single man in a married world ripping on the countless dating escapades I’ve encountered, or the ridiculing of social media and how it’s ruining our society as a whole.  And trust me, making fun of my Grandma’s bowel movements can only take me so far. 

So where do I turn?  What am I supposed to write about? How am I going to make you keep clicking on my Facebook link day after day, week after week for years to come? I don't know if I can do that, because right now it's quarter after two in the morning and Dances With Wolves is rolling credits and  I've got absolutely nothing, you hear that, nothing! Wait, nothing? That's it! I'll pull a Seinfeld and write about nothing. This is genius!

You'll enjoy that, right?

What do you think?

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