Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Were You Looking At Me?

Find me one person out there that will look you square in the eyes and say that they don’t like to “people watch” and I’ll one up you by showing you that you’re holding on to a mannequin.

Yes, I am that skilled.

For full effect, download “I Am The Walrus” by The Beatles, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

As an addendum to my previous post, I would like to make the statement that I believe there are universal truths, which at some point in all of our lives we have come to acknowledge; truths like ‘we all love to go to Barnes & Noble’. I mean come on, who doesn’t like Barnes & Noble? You get to sit in semi-La-Z-Boys and gobble up whatever text you want with no library cops policing the premises, meanwhile a fresh pot of mocha marinades the air. What about that situation is there not to like? Nothing I tell you, NOTHING! Barnes & Noble is the teacup pig of afternoon relaxing.

Liking Barnes & Noble is a universal truth, a principle that personally I have yet to find someone recoil from when mentioned. Other candidates for this honor are rainy Saturdays, duct tape, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but the jury is still out on those things. However, another universal truth that makes the list along with the town’s corporate library, is people watching.

Cue awkward stare from a random couple in Caesar’s Palace.

At some point in their life everyone, and I do mean every single one of you, has gone people watching. Come on dear reader, sit back and admit to yourself with your head slightly angled to the left, reminiscing about your surveillance days at the local mall, that you have people watched. Find me a person who hasn’t gone people watching and I’ll find you a… I’ll find you a… a… dang, I’m sure shooting blanks on this funny analogy thingy that skilled writers always come up with. Besides, funny guys never get the girls anyway, so I should probably try and be as dense and humdrum as possible.

Anyway, so uh…people watching, like I was saying, it’s the lost art of entertainment that is the cheapest form of amusement you can find. And you know what the best part about it is? No one will ever see that you’re watching them because the ones being observed are already so caught up in themselves as it is.

Honestly though, and this is a sad characterization of the world that we live in, we all L-word ourselves more than we L-word anything else. We are all so caught up in our text messages, our new high score on Angry Birds, how many people have ‘liked’ our latest status on finals week, what response that last recipe we pinned up will have, how many times we will be re-tweeted, insignificant leftovers that are just adding to the fact that we never care if anyone is ever sitting on a park bench watching us trip over a stroller when taking another vanity picture while jogging.

Which makes it ever more entertaining for the rest of us. When you walk into a pole at Wal-Mart mid-texting of an emoticon, we’ll be there watching. When you scream in celebration because you just bested your high score on Doodle Jump, somebody saw that. When you pick your nose and have an appetizing debate if it’s worth salvaging, yeah, the people watchers will more than likely be your audience for that feast.

The world is a funny place, dear reader. And the best part is that you can sit in a mall for hours on end and have everybody else show off their one-track minds to you for the small price of free-ninety free. So go ahead, heat up a fresh bag of popcorn, refill your Coke, (Diet if you’re a woman), and paint the town with the goofballs that will walk your way all afternoon.

Just make sure that you’re not the fool being watched.

What do you think?

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