This Is Why I Hate You, Gold's Gym

Trying to cancel a gym membership is about as hard as holding yourself to eating only one serving of your Mom’s homemade raspberry-pomegranate Jell-O on Thanksgiving. For full effect, download “I Hate Everything About You” by Three Days Grace and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. I suddenly feel the frustrations pent up in Chandler Bing’s weak appendages when he goes to cancel a membership at the local club and...

Pregnancy vs. The Big Spoon

Women have the children, men be the big spoon. Those are the sacrifices each side makes when it comes to relationships.  For full effect, download "The Compromise" by The Fray and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.  You may think I'm joking, but this post is 100% sober-serious. This is not some figurative way of speaking on how a relationship is going to work out by using a metaphorical reference to two people...

You Thinking About Dying Anytime Soon?

Who died and said I have to answer to you when it comes to the progress of my life? For full effect, download “Yakety Yak” by The Coasters and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. “So are you dating anyone these days? How’s the love life?” says every single jerkoff wearing a wedding ring that I have a conversation with. Me: “Oh it’s great. You know, just dating here and there, things are going pretty well.” Married...

Goin' Back To Cali

I don’t think I could survive if I was forced to live in the state of California. For full effect, download “Highway Five” by American Music Club and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Might I also add if your name is Brett Schwartz, stop reading this blogpsot immediately and do something else that is boring in your married life. Don’t tell me when I can and cannot blog. Go back to your drug-induced nap coma...

Death To Meat Heads

Yes, we can all see the blood-pumping veins protruding from your biceps in between your seventh and eighth inverted curl, please stop having a staring contest with yourself in the mirror. We all know how large your own ego is.               For full effect, download “Let The Bodies Hit The Floor” by Drowning Pool, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.              May...

This Is What Drunk Brock Looks Like

Don't be confused by the title, this is not actual drunk Brock. He hasn't really ever existed. This drunk Brock is someone who is heavily intoxicated with Sudafedrin, Nyquil, and Carbemazepine after battling a severe flu outbreak last week. And when drunk Brock hears one of the all-time greatest songs by Queen and gets handed a microphone at a karaoke party, entertaining moments in time will happen.  For the record, non-intoxicated Brock...

Bulimic Girls Should Not Give Public Speeches

Part of me thinks I should ride off into the sunset, fade away into nothing, wash my hands and close the final chapter on a blogging career that has been a little over mediocre thus far. However, after what happened Sunday night with the fandemonium over my public groping in a Mexican restaurant, I don’t think there is any way to top my accidental sexual slide into second base.   Maybe it was the humor of the story, or maybe the Internet is...

Is This What Boobs Feel Like?

Based on the title, you might be thinking this is going to be some risky slam on the insecurities our culture has with basic human sexuality. It’s not.  Instead, this is going to be where I tell you how I got to second base over a steak burrito.  For full effect, download “Brick House” by The Commodores and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Boobs are interesting creatures. And yes, I did just...