“Using a little kid as bait is the easiest way to get chicks. It’s like taking candy from a baby.”
You would trust me to watch your kids, wouldn't you?
For full effect, start singing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, and hum at naptime volume throughout the duration of this post. After which, go download "Adventures in Babysitting" and enjoy one of the best films to be birthed in the 80's.
The above child seated next to the dog cage is Parker, and he is the son of my BFF Niels. And yes, I did just use the acronym BFF in this blog, so what, I don’t care. If you don’t like it just go ahead and STFU. Parker and I buddied up a few days ago when I was asked to be his personal caretaker for a few hours. Yes kids that is correct, I was asked to be a babysitter. Please don’t call 911 in a panic.
This is the part where you remember the YouTube video where Antoine Dodson yells out to the reporter, "Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, cause they be rapin’ errbody round here."
No, I'm not a rapist. Who do you think I am, Tobias Funke? And if you don't get that last joke, go watch Arrested Development. Trust me. Totally worth your time.
Now you may say, Brock, what do you know about watching kids? You can’t even find a girl to L-word let alone look after your own offspring. But the thing is, I'm a good babysitter, a curse word good one to boot. I know how to make bottles, change diapers, wrap them up in a blanky and lull them off to sleep, yeah, I am that amazing. I grew up in a house full of women who taught me the skills on how to raise a child, so when Niels called me to take care of Parker, I jumped all over that kid.
We sure buddied up for the few hours we were together. We went on an exploration of the laundry room and I let him sit in the washing machine, I took him to the bathroom so he could stand on the counter and stare at his identical twin in the mirror for abut twenty minutes, we even played on the floor and had a growling contest with each other. I’m telling you it was an entertaining couple of hours, none of which might I add were laced with any stinky diapers.
The only frustrating part of the day came when the little guy got tuckered out and rolled into naptime. He kind of messed up my master plan of complete and total domination of single women.
Me: "Parker! Hey Parker! You wanna get in a stroller and go for a walk in the park so Uncle Brockie can monopolize on your cuteness so single women will want to go out with him? Hey! Parker!"
Parker: Rolling his eyes and sucking back on his binky.
Ladies, tell me that's not the best dating tactic you have ever heard of. Your heart melts into warm butter whenever you see a grown man walking a stroller around the park; a stroller that's holding a little guy inside who has a face that makes the mother inside you want to passionately jump on top of the man taking care of him. I'm telling you, an infant is of equal or more value than Ryan Gosling with his shirt off.
It was a great couple of hours I must say, and I will admit I was a little disheartened when Parker’s parents came home and relieved me of my babysitting duties. Maybe the Dad inside me was a bit anxious to come out to play, who knows? Whatever it was, I think I did a heck of a job watching over that little stinker. In fact, I did so well I think I’ll start taking reservations if any of you out there need me to keep an eye on your own little ones.
As long as you’re cool with me using your kid as date bait, I think things will be just fine.