Who put the "Fun" in Funeral?

Seated in a chapel surrounded by people who are all dressed in black, with mascara-coated tissues hanging out of their pockets is one of the most awkward places to be. We've all been here at one point in our lives. Curse this cruel existence that we call life. And since it's now over for one of us, let us all get dressed to the nines and reminisce about our loved one's greatest accomplishments.

On average it costs over $10,000 to die in this lifetime. Over 10 grand just to be pumped full of formaldehyde, shoved into a titanium box and planted six feet in the ground surrounded by a bunch of other decaying carcasses. That is one expensive hotel in the dirt if you ask me. For the record, whenever my mortal existence comes to an end, donate my body to science. I do not want to be a victim of what I sadly view is a monopoly upon people's prideful proclamations of how they want others to view their lives.

For full effect, go rent "Old School" and fast forward to the scene where Will Ferrel sings "Dust in the Wind" at Blue's burial. Play that at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

In front of me stands an elderly couple offering their pathetic non-emotional condolences to the family standing in front of their mother's casket. Then again, why have we made it a tradition to stand in front of a dead body? Psychologically, doesn't that sound a little bit disturbing? We as a culture sure are bizarre. And I'm not just talking about Mormon's here.

Awkward Elderly Couple: "We are so sorry for your loss. How are you doing?"

The Hairy Trojan: "HOW AM I DOING?! WHAT KIND OF A QUESTION IS THAT?! HOW DO YOU THINK I'M DOING? THIS IS AWFUL! TERRIBLE! WHY AM I FORCED TO STAND IN THIS STUPID LINE AND TALK TO IDIOTS LIKE YOURSELF?!" Is what she should have said.

The Hairy Trojan: "I'm doing alright. Thank you for asking."

Man, there are some total putzes out there.

The conversation between the Hairy Trojan and the Awkward Putz couple has died down, however they can't move along down the concession line because the people in front of them haven't finished up their conversation with a mourning relative. This is why conversation lines at both funerals and weddings are the most pointless thing created since the TV show "Workaholics". They make no sense at all. It FORCES you to talk to people that you don't even care about, and vice versa.

Awkward Putz Couple: "So...uh...how's, school going for you these days?"

The Hairy Trojan: "It's uh...good. Yeah."

Cue confused shuffle side-stepping and random staring in opposite directions. This is where a dialogue including the weather should be brought into practice. I'm telling you, it has saved my life on multiple occasions.

Once all of this is over, we will all meet back up at the church to gorge ourselves on a Mormon heritage culinary tradition of boiled ham and cheesy potatoes, a.k.a. funeral potatoes. We've all had them before, and don't tell me that they're not your favorite festival concoction. Hashbrowns, sour cream, cheese, topped with corn flakes, tell me that's not a recipe for beauty.

Today hasn't been the most enjoyable day. It's been a morning of mourning. An occasion where family and friends are situated together to celebrate the life of a loved one whom we have all admired and adored. A day where everyone seated in the chapel takes a moment to reflect about which direction all of their lives are going at this point in time. A funeral is a festival of what is lost. A glorious debacle marqueeing this life, which in the grand scheme of things is just a fart in the wind.

The life of the woman in front of me is one I will never forget. Thank you Aunt Barbara. You are one of the greatest women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:A cemetery in Kaysville