What Not To Say At A Viewing

For the record, have I mentioned how disturbed our culture is for having a celebratory gala with an open casket and a recently deceased individual displayed before everyone? Yeah, a little bit messed up, but hey that's the way we live. And die. Do you think on the other side, all of the departed souls are looking at each other saying, "Yeah, our family and friends are a little bit screwy for wanting to have a party with a dead guy." Who knows?

For full effect, download "Paradise" by Coldplay and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

Last week I vented a little bit about the ignorant remarks and comments that people make while standing in line at a viewing or a pre-game funeral party. Little did I know that I would be venting yet again about this same topic as a crowd of bald-headed men and women walk past me, shake my hand and say, "We're so sorry for your loss. We remember you when you were a little baby."

That's nice Ebeneezers 1 and 2, please go home and get your will ready, because you're more than likely going to be in a mahogany cedar chest planted six feet under.

I know, I'm a jerk.

With that being said, I would like to tell you about one of the most awkward comments that I have heard, not just at a viewing, but in my entire life. Let me paint the picture for you: I was standing near the door of the mortuary this evening when an overly sassy middle-aged couple approached me and offered their condolences. They then directed their remarks to the direction that my life was headed.

The Mrs. Born Again: "So, have you had any seizures at all?" For the record, I used to have petit mal epileptic seizures before having a pair of brain surgeries that fixed the problem.

Swamp Thing: "Nope, things have been going really well. It's been about 2 and a half years since the surgery, and not a single one. It's been amazing."

The Mrs. Born Again: Verbatim "That's so good. You know, I was just thinking about you the other day actually, because I came home from work and my dog was just lying on the floor twitching and drooling out of both sides of his mouth and peeing all over the carpet because he lost control of his bowels while he was having a seizure. And it was in that moment when I was thinking about you."

Cue Swamp Thing biting a hole through my tongue trying desperately to not laugh in the Born Again's face.

The Mrs. Born Again: "And you know, all you can do is just let them lie on the ground and just let them finish up their seizure, and then just clean up the mess afterward. And that just made me think of you."

Cue awkward silence with me holding my hands over my mouth, tears welling up not from sadness but from potential outbursts of laughter in this lunatic's face.

The Mrs. Born Again: "Anyway, we're sorry for your loss. Take care."

And that kids is why I loathe this culture and the demented fruitcakes that show up at the grieving festivals. Somewhere, Sarah Mclachlan is serenading on an infomercial.