The Buffoon: “See, bloggers are all just a buncha narcisstic pompous, good-for-nothin’s.”
Swamp Thing: “Well, they’re good for a few things here and there.”
The Buffoon: “No they’re not. There’s so much better things to be doin’ than just sittin’ at a computer typing away meaningless stories about your life that no one cares about.”
Swamp Thing: “You mean like updating your Twitter saying you love the Kardashian’s? Or trying to get the highest score imaginable on your iPhone version of Angry Birds? Those are more meaningful?”
Cue awkward silence.
For full effect, download “The Rain in Spain” from the soundtrack of My Fair Lady and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.
I chose that song for two reasons, first, because isn’t My Fair Lady one of the best musicals of all time? I mean, in her prime Audrey Hepburn could easily have been in my top 5. And secondly, that song seems to be the theme of my life, a life on the road, a life talking to people that I don’t really give a rat’s hindquarters for, and vice versa.
I see plenty of people on a daily basis that I am no more than distant acquaintance’s with. And because of my job, my future career, and long-forgotten bloodlines between us, I am forced to make up some type of conversation on short notice, to avoid even more awkward pauses such as the one initiated between myself and my pompous relative above.
Cue the discussion of weather.
Honestly, talking about the rain in Spain will get you further in life than being able to find out what the exact square root of pi is. Discussions about temperature differences, approaching cold fronts, and possibilities of snow in the near future seems to be the most calming, and non-confrontational discussion topic that there is. You cannot go wrong with it!
You may say, ‘But Swamp Thing, the weather is so boring. Why don’t you talk about something more meaningful in life, like sports, or religion, or politics?’
WTHSF? Are you NUTS?! (For the record, that exclamatory acronym stands for WHAT THE **** **** ****) If there is one thing that my Dad taught me it was to never, and he meant NEVER bring up any one of those three controversial topics at any point in time with a person who you proxemically categorize as a casual acquaintance. Come on now, I don’t want to get shot bringing up someone like Tim Tebow, The Pope, or Newt Gingrich, I just want to play it safe and discuss how this winter is surprisingly drier than last winter, that is the safest road to travel.
If I were to write down things in my life that I know for sure are absolutely 100% true, points that I have previously categorized as “Brocktrine” they are these:
1. We always want what we cannot have
2. Whoever has the least amount of interest in a relationship has the most control in that relationship.
3. The Rain in Spain will never cause a strain.
Oh and 4. Audrey Hepburn is ridiculously good-looking.
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