Swamp Thing: “So what we’re gonna do is write a joint blog
as we’re driving home from this ridiculously long recruiting trip.”
Keith Tronic: “How are you going to blog and drive?”
ST: “You are going to type what I say.”
KT: “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”
ST: “You’re stupid.”
For full effect, go to “Summer Hits Of The 90’s” on Pandora
and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.
Kids, everyone has a weakness. For 30-year old stay at home
Moms, it’s a six pack of Diet Coke and reruns of Downton Abby, for balding men
in their mid-40’s it’s their secret stash of dirty magazines, and for empty
nesters living off social security, it’s a smile from their newest grandbaby.
But if we’re going to talk about weaknesses for a 28-year old man who holds the
Virginia Beach record for fastest time completing the two-pound challenge at
Fuddruckers, well, his weakness is IKEA.
KT: “You’re gonna blog about IKEA? Are you kidding me? This
is going to suck! Who wants to read about something as dumb as that?”
ST: “I didn’t ask for your opinion about creativity. Now shut
your curse-wording face and just keep typing.”
IKEA is kind of like a brothel, minus the fancy lights,
dirty music, and tempting women selling their body parts in 15-minute
increments. Not that I actually know what the make up of the inside of a
brothel looks like, but those are really the only stereotypical things I can
think of. Maybe IKEA really doesn’t have anything to do with sexually
simulating bathhouses, but the gist of what I’m trying to say is that Ikea is
tempting. IKEA is seductive. IKEA makes you want to do dirty things to a seven-dollar
lampshade and not light up a cigarette afterwards.
Now please let me explain something; four years ago I didn’t
care about IKEA at all. In fact, I was the complete opposite. I cared about new
snowboards, midnight bowling in Mesquite, and cheap Chinese takeout. However, over
the past few years the douchebag sitting next to me thought it was his job to
take me under his wing and teach me the art of becoming a man. This art
included discount toasters at Costco and leather sofas that interior decorators
would drool over.
KT: “Douchebag huh? That’s what you think of me?”
ST: “When an old married man obsessively tells you to get a
couch day after day after day, thinking he is going to shape you into what his
definition of a man is, then yes, he is a douchebag.”
The point of all this is that I’ve grown over the past few
years, I have stopped caring about miniscule things. I am no longer interested
in Madden 2K12, South Park or Dew Pong. As Murtaugh so wisely said, “I’m too
old for that stuff.” Instead, I have a fetish for Stokman ottomans, rich
mahogany bookshelves, and five-dollar cartons of tupperware. And that is where IKEA comes into play. It is the
brothel of home and design. It is the non-sexual fantasy of growing up.
KT: “Are we almost done here? I just feel so unproductive
when I am doing this stuff.”
ST: “Seriously, I’m going to punch you in the coccyx if you
don’t stop being such an ornery old hag.”
Kids, this is the part where your Uncle Keith’s dead body
was mysteriously buried near the hills just outside of Parowan because after a
long four days on the road he turned into the cranky 78-year old man he always
is, and got tired of having a Bromance with another guy while they jointly
shared their thoughts on the glories of the universal fetish known as IKEA. And
yes, that’s how this post will end. Because someone thinks that blogging about
IKEA is a waste of time and no one will like or comment on this post because it's so boring and worthless! So there! ARE YOU
HAPPY?!
KT: “That last line is so stupid.”
ST: “You’re stupid.”
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