The Murtaugh List

There are some days of my life where I feel old. Old enough to buy a life insurance policy, but not old enough to start drinking Metamucil.

For full effect, go watch “How I Met Your Mother” season four, episode 19, entitled, “The Murtaugh List” and enjoy at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

For those of you who don’t have Netflix, The Murtaugh List is a list of activities that the unsung hero Ted Mosby put together of things that he will not do once he broke into his 30’s. For example, he will not get an ear pierced, or die his hair pink. As his best friend Marshall puts it in a Danny Glover tone of voice, “Riggs, I’m too old for that stuff.”

Now we all have our own “Murtaugh Lists” or things that we have given ultimatums to now that we have reached the ripe old age of 28 ½. We all have activities that we deem inappropriate for someone of our stature to complete.  Go ahead and pause for a moment, tilt your head slightly to the left and think about what’s on your own Murtaugh List. In the meantime, I’ll go ahead and relay what I have come up with on my own Murtaugh List, as a pretty girl on an abandoned golf course last night so eloquently asked me about. Here are the things I will never do again:

Watch a single episode of Duck Dynasty.

Drink Mt. Dew after 3:30 in the afternoon.

Play the board game, “Settlers of Katan”.

Dance in a public setting.

Eat a Little Caesar’s Hot & Ready Pizza in one sitting.

Play Guitar Hero until four in the morning.

Use an emoticon in a text message.  

Enjoy a movie with Drew Barrymore in it.

Eat anything from 1 Hott Grill.

Tell my story about faking as a schizophrenic on a blind date.

Put an unframed picture on my wall using only thumbtacks to hang it up.

Only tuck my shirt into the front of my pants.

Shave my entire face except for the flavor saver below my lower lip.

Write a Facebook status with something witty that I stole from Google.

Go to Mesquite at 1 am to bowl.

Eat a bowl of ice cream for breakfast.

Watch an episode of “Glee”.

Wear an athletic jersey of a team I support outside of my own bedroom.

Take a girl who is still in her teens out to dinner.

Watch MTV.

Listen to anything sung by “Nickleback”.

Eat at Denny’s past 11 pm.

Go shopping for longer than three hours.

Play in a ball pit.

And last but not least, Never break up with a girl using a text message.