So I’m sitting in my front room with five very intelligent
people talking about the economy, the debt ceiling, and nuclear fallout. Deep
issues, I know. But as the clock strikes just after midnight, I must say that one
of the hottest topics we have discussed is a very controversial subject in my
own book, and is something that I think is one of the biggest issues we are all
facing in today’s world.
Women’s sports.
For full effect, download “Electric Feel” by MGMT, and play
at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.
I know you may get to the end of this post and boldly say
with a disgusted look on your face, “I can see now why this kid isn’t married.”
But hold on for a second, hear me out. There are other reasons why I’m not
married, and being a hater on women’s sports is not the main one.
Regardless of your gender, just stop for a moment and think
about the last time you got that sudden rush of butterflies in your stomach
after watching a woman’s sporting event on TV.
Was it:
A.
When Lisa Leslie became the first woman to dunk
a basketball in a professional competition.
B.
When Brandi Chastain ripped off her shirt after
scoring the game-winning penalty kick in the 1999 World Cup.
C.
When Keri Strugg nailed her landing on the vault
in the 1996 Summer Olympics.
D.
None of the above.
If you didn’t answer D, you are shamefully lying to your own
conscience. And you know I’m right.
Women’s sports are like eating bad Chinese food next to a
fat guy with gas. It gives you a bad taste in your mouth on multiple levels. I
say this very critically after watching an engaging nine hours of intense
college football, and then accidentally stumbling upon a women’s rowing contest
on KBYU. For a few split seconds I was confused at the unorganized chaos on my
screen, but then I realized I was watching women play sports. And I just swallowed
back the vomit about to come up.
The funny part is you may think that I’m on some sexist kick
with some personal vendetta against feminists due to the fact that I was force fed
estrogen by the members of my immediate family. But that’s not it at all. This
topic was actually suggested and promoted to me by all you ladies yourself. You hate watching yourself in any type of
physical sport. Here are just a few of
the quotes you passed my way that showed me how you feel.
Jane Doe #1: “Watching women’s sports is an embarrassment.
Why do we think that sweating all over each other in a heated competition shows
us off? It’s insulting.”
Jane Doe #2: “I hate watching girls play sports. It’s so awkward, and boring. You almost feel bad that the girls playing
have no self-esteem.”
Jane Doe #3: “Women shouldn’t be showcased on TV playing
sports at all. They should really just get their big butts back in the kitchen
where it belongs.”
Ok that last quote may or may not have been from an
extremely sexist man, but either way, you still get the gist of what you, me,
and all you other angry females out there are trying to say right?
I know it’s Sunday morning and you were probably looking for
me to write some motivational post about how the underdog Rudy Ruettigers
having a fighting chance at surviving life, or hear me serenade about my “twue
wove” being somewhere out there waiting for the two of us to finally cross
paths. But that’s not the biggest issue that’s facing me today. With it now being
nearly 2 AM, and our discussion has spanned multiple topics and depths, I think
all five of us can agree that one fact rings true.
Absolutely no one likes watching girls play sports.
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