Seeing
as how it’s the middle of July, and this month the majority of our nation is
out shooting off fireworks to recreate our country’s infamous battles against
the redcoats, meanwhile a bunch of weirdos in Utah are eating potato salad and
taking the 24th of July off for some weird crossing the plains
reason, I would just like to make a small statement regarding one thing I am so
grateful about this sweet-smelling land of the U.S.A.
I
am so glad we suck at soccer.
For
full effect, download “Mmm, mmm, mmm” by Crash Test Dummies and play at maximum
volume throughout the duration of this post.
Before
you go all Patriotic and start throwing out cruel accusations that I’m from
Canada or something Barney Stinson like that, hear me out on this. I L-word the
land of the free and the home of the brave.
I embrace backyard BBQ’s and weekend carnivals. I tear up when reading about the monumental
moments our forefathers made when signing the Declaration of Independence. Heck, I even proudly sang the Star-Spangled
Banner at a couple basketball games. But
should I daresay the one thing that irritates me just slightly is how arrogant
we all are for living in this great nation?
And
you have to admit, we really are one of the most egotistical empires in the history
of recorded Earth. We’re worse than the pyramid-building alien-worshippers in Egypt,
or the blood-thirsty, idol-following freaks in Rome. I would even put us as a
more arrogant group of people than the army who followed Genghis Khan. Yep that’s
right, a nation led by a man who killed over 40 million people and had an
addiction to Twinkies because he loved the sugar rush was not as stuck up as
all of us over here in the U.S. of A.
If
we’re going to talk metaphorically, and I think all of us like to talk
metaphorically simply because we get to picture some funny looking scenario in
our heads that drives the point home even further, I would say we are the big
brother sitting at the dinner table who always has to one-up the competition of
our little brothers' accomplishments when the grandmaster Tyrannosaurus
Rex playing Dad asks us how our day went.
And yes, I just used a T-Rex to play the role of Dad at the worldwide
dinner table. Who else would it be?
T-Rex:
“So kids, why don’t you tell me about your day?”
Russia:
“Today I win 82 medals at London Olympics. I think it pretty good day.”
US:
“Oh yeah, well I won 104 medals! Even beating Great Britain and China too! So
there! See Dad? See how awesome I am?”
Yep,
that’s us. The low self-esteem nation that has to make fun of a country who rehydrates
with vodka instead of Gatorade.
But
back to the main point about why I’m glad we are awful at soccer. It’s because
it shows we have a little chink in our armor. And please don’t misinterpret
that last sentence as racist. I know I’m
mocking other nations here, but I won’t go that far. Being bad at soccer means that at least every
other country knows they’re better than us at something. They may not have developed indoor plumbing,
visited the moon, created Title 9, or watched a movie on their cell phone, but
at least they can kick around a ball better than we can. And seeing how this is the most widespread
sport in the entire world, that’s a skill they can always hang over our
heads.
And
I won’t mind being awful at this game for the next 100 years or until Will
Smith becomes a robot and starts playing in the English Premiere League. The thing about being bad at soccer is that at
least it will give us a tiny taste of humility.
Almost like we’re the unpopular Jamaicans in “Cool Runnings”; minus the
fact we’re not sucking at a waste of a sport like Bobsledding, and instead
being terrible at the most popular game to ever be created.
Somewhere
out there, our T-Rex father figure is shaking his head.
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