Today was a
world only big kids live in.
For full
effect, download “A Hazy Shade of Winter” by Simon & Garfunkel and play at
maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.
Days like
these can be described as tedious.
Or
repetitive.
Or lackluster.
Or think of
some other synonym for “old and boring” and insert it into the above
sentence.
You know
what kinds of days I’m talking about don’t you? The days when the majority of your attention is focused on
filing the correct 1040-D form to recognize your business as an LLC with the
IRS and make it so you’re tax exempt, or when you have a staring contest with
your computer monitor trying to figure out if the retention data from Fall 2011
to Fall 2012 is comparable with the same retention data pulled from Fall 2012
to Spring 2013. Today was a day when dress slacks and cornflower blue ties
replaced cutoff jeans and a Weezer T-shirt.
That last
paragraph was major boring crap, I know.
I’m surprised you’re actually still reading this blog after suffering
through that. If you’re still with
me this far, well then I applaud your dedication dear reader, and hopefully these
next 500 words won’t bore you out of your stinking mind. I’ll spice it up and talk about things
like Root Beer floats and closet make out sessions.
Those are
things the youngsters inside us all appreciate, right?
Seriously,
today was a day where I think a few gray hairs were conceived beneath my own scalp. It wasn’t a stressful day or a day of
pure boring agony, it was just a day where the big kid on campus took a cricket
bat to the face of the little kid inside me and told him not to come out to
play, and if he did, oh, he knew what was coming to him. Today was a day where plaid button-ups
with wrinkles gave up their Mazda Miata and settled down for the old Chrysler
Town & Country.
50-year old
waste of time: “Yeah, so I think I’m gonna go ahead and sell my mid-life
crisis, just so I can get something more manageable, more established. It’s time to really grow up now and accept
my adult responsibility.”
Wild Bear: “screw you mid-life crisis! I’m gonna drive a
Rogue and stay up Until 1 am drinking Mt. Dew until the day I die! REBELS
FOREVER!”
Those “big
kids” were only some kind of mythical creature when we were younger, but today
was one of those days that proved they exist. A day where fart noises and “That’s what she said” jokes
weren’t appropriate. Today was an
episode of the Congressional Hearings on Offshore Tax Practices live on C-SPAN
when you really just wanted to get wasted on Tosh.0 for nine hours. Yes, today was that kind of a day.
Where did
all of the fun go? The Friday
night sleepovers, the Jell-O eating contests, the whoopee cushion jokes, the
fort-making contests in our basements? All of that is showing up less and less
the older we all get. Rather than
enjoy the sun on our faces and go set up our homemade sprinkler systems, which
would then invoke a water balloon war with our neighbors, we just stare out the
window of a government-owned cubicle and calculate the percentage of students
that would fall in an underprivileged demographic.
The scary
part is that days like these are starting to appear more and more with every
passing year. They’re starting to completely
overtake our entire conscious thought process. With every passing cake day, there will be a fewer
percentage of days per year that are spent watching marathons of “Space Jam”,
or playing Call of Duty for 13 hours.
Instead, we’ll just find excitement by DVR-ing “60 Minutes” and adding a
cover sheet to our TPS reports.
Are days
like these what we are all hoping to attain in life? Are they our end goal? Our supreme feat? Our final, grown-up,
crowning achievement? Because it seems the older we all get, the faster
maturity is forced upon us; and sadly, there is nothing we can do about it
except stand there like adults and just take our force-fed colonoscopies.
I think I'm a big
kid now. And that scares the crap
out of me.
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