You must forgive
my tardiness in posting this. It
seems the holiday known to us as April Fools Day drove me away from social
media all together. Honestly
people, do you think any of us will believe any status you post on April 1st? I mean come on Christian Spitzenberger,
come up with something more original than “We’re having a baby!”
And yes kids, I
know someone with the last name of Spitzenberger. That sounds like a German breath mint, but you’ll always
remember it.
For full effect,
download “Running on Empty” by Jackson Browne and play at maximum volume
throughout the duration of this post.
While you’re at it, go watch the last hour of Forrest Gump and tell me you
don’t get chills on the back of your neck.
This post is not
designed to applaud the efforts of all of the health freaks out there who are
dedicating their lives to a disciplined diet and a hardcore training
schedule. This post is designed to
dismantle all of the trendy bandwagon jumpers and seven-year itch parents with
low self-esteem that think running a 5k is now the “in” thing to do. It’s because of you that I don’t want
to go to the gym anymore.
Trendy running is
a scam I say. You hear me? A scam! This trendy running pandemic is the annoying
little brother who thinks it’s funny to put gum in your armpits. It’s the
carpet stain from your bloody nose that just won’t go away no matter how hard
you keep scrubbing. People who
think 5 and 10k’s are basically speedwalking social events, are the same pieces
of crap that Shooter McGavin eats for breakfast.
Anyone with low
self-esteem using Facebook: “Oh, hey, you should totally do the Color Me Rad 5k
run with me this weekend.
Everybody starts running, and then all of the supporters throw buckets of
neon chalk all over the place.
It’s like a giant running rainbow Woodstock!”
Anyone using
logic: “Wait, but are you going for a certain time on your 5k?
Anyone with low
self-esteem using Facebook: “No, not really. It’s all about the experience of
people throwing chalk at you and getting covered in it so you can have a really
unique profile pic online.
Besides, I’m only going to be running about a quarter of it anyway!”
Anyone using
logic: “And that’s why your nickname will forever be ‘Muffintop’.”
The sad thing is
that it doesn’t stop at the speed-chalk challenge either. Trendy 5k’s are sweeping across our
diabetic nation in any unhealthy shape possible. There’s the “Run For Your
Lives Zombie 5k” the “Midnight Run Glow-in-the-Dark 5k” or even the “Naked Foot
5k”. That’s right, naked foot. A
couple thousand weirdos comfortable in their nudeness dance around for a little
over three miles and claim it as exercise.
What is wrong with
us people? Why do we depend so
much upon what everyone else is doing to be cool? Didn’t we give up the idea of cliques and social classes
when we walked out of the Dee Events Center with our high school diplomas? Walking a 5k splashed in paint and then
treating yourself to a stuffed crust pizza and half-gallon of Rockie Road ice
cream as a reward will not make the pounds go away. It’s an insult to the concept of physical fitness.
In a few hundred
years, once mankind has been completely obliterated from planet Earth either
from Kim Jong-un’s nuclear attacks, or from the onslaught of obesity, heart
problems, and diabetes, I think aliens may come back and do an analysis on why
we didn’t survive the ultimate race.
At the heart of their research there will be the confusing wonder that
E.T.’s across the galaxy will forever be mystified by; did we as human beings
not fully grasp the concept of actual exercise, or did we think that rolling
around in chalk for an hour was the equivalent of a solid workout?
Sadly, right now
the majority of the world agrees with the latter end of that question.
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